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• Hank Williams Jr. appears on screen, drink one.
• Tony Kornheiser calls this "a must-win" for Minnesota, drink five.
• Hurricane Katrina is mentioned, finish your beer.
• There's a kickoff, drink three.
• The whistle blows, drink one.
• You think, "Man, another commercial?" drink five.
• A player introduces himself as an alumnus of "THE Ohio State University," drink five.
• A player introduces himself and cites his high school alma mater, drink 10.
• A player introduces himself and says something in gang code, drink 13.
• There's a promo for the new series Life on Mars, drink four.
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| Pardon the Interruption co-host, Tony Kornheiser, knows sports, but he's no Dennis Miller. (Getty Images) |
• Mario Williams is mentioned, drink six.
• Adrian Peterson's "high" running style is discussed, drink four.
• Bernard Berrian drops a pass, drink three.
• Kornheiser mentions Rick's Cabaret on Bourbon Street, drink five.
• Gus Frerotte headbutts a wall, drink 20.
• Tarvaris Jackson puts on his helmet and starts warming up, finish three beers.
• A Vikings player named Williams makes a tackle, drink two.
• Jeremy Shockey's groin is mentioned, drink 15.
• The New Orleans crowd chants "Deuce," drink five.
• An announcer explains, "The crowd is chanting 'Deuce,' not "boo," drink 15.
• Jared Allen disembowels Drew Brees, finish your beer.
• Jared Allen defenestrates Mark Brunell, finish another.
• Kornheiser says he's from Long Island, drink four.
• You're tempted to watch the game on mute, drink one.
• Ron Jaworski says "National Football League," drink five.
• Mike Tirico texts his hotel room number to Kim Kardashian, drink one.
• Bryant McKinnie's oral skills are mentioned, drink nothing. Just shudder and move on.
• There's an advertisement for next Monday's game between the Giants and Browns, drink six.
• The camera pans to Russell Erxleben, finish your beer.
• You bitch about your Fantasy football team, drink five.
• A coach throws out the challenge flag, drink five.
• A play is reviewed by instant replay, drink throughout the entire review period, never removing your lips from the beer.
• A co-drinker removes his lips from the beer before a review period is up, smack him in the back of the head and shout, "Sissy, finish that watered-down Colorado urine."
Cam Martin also writes for BugsandCranks.com and Comcast SportsNet New England. E-mail him at cdavidmartin@yahoo.com.
