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Last week, I wrote a column called "The 10 types of Yankee fans." I did this not because I wanted to make fun of the Yankees and their fans, but because I wanted to show people who don't live in New York that due to the uniqueness of New York City, there are many different kinds of Yankees "fans" compared to fans of other teams.
The response, as you can imagine, was mixed.
While plenty of self-proclaimed "die-hard Yankee fans" found it amusing and accurate, a few Yankee fans just saw the title, noticed that it was written by a Red Sox fan and threw a fit.
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First off, this statement is the most egregious use of the "race card" since the Apprentice episode where Omarosa accused another contestant of being a racist for using the phrase "pot calling the kettle black." But second, my column was clearly a joke, and it amazes me that there's someone out there who takes the pinstripe life so seriously he actually equates making fun of the Yankees to racism.
So just to prove that I'm not "sportsicst," I'm going to respond to all the Yankees fans who thought it was only fair that I treat Red Sox fans in the same fashion. Which I'm more than happy to do.
First, a few things to keep in mind:
1. This is a joke.
2. I lived in Boston for 21 years, so please refrain from any "This (super-clever euphemism for homosexual) has clearly never been to Boston" stuff.
3. This is a joke.
4. I'm writing this because people asked for it. So there's no need to make "What's next week? 10 types of Orioles fans LOL!" posts.
5. When in doubt, see Nos. 1 and 3.
Got that? Good. Now, here's a look at the 10 types of Red Sox fans:
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| Mr. and Mrs. Ramirez have yet to miss one of their son's games. (Getty Images) |
1. The actual Red Sox fan
In brief: Likes the Red Sox the same way you like your favorite team.
Favorite Sox: Papi, Manny, Beckett, Pedroia ... pretty much everyone but Julio Lugo.
Most cherished souvenir: 2004 ALCS DVD set.
Recent statement: "So far, so good."
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Genuinely fear for that person's safety.
2. The all-up-in-your-face Red Sox fan
In brief: A byproduct of the recent success of the Boston sports scene. Completely responsible for the rest of the country thinking that everyone from Boston is an insufferable douche.
Favorite Sox: Kevin Youkilis, Tom Brady.
Most cherished souvenir: When you own 15 Red Sox jerseys, 11 Patriots jerseys, a Larry Bird jersey and 36 Boston-related hats, it's tough to choose a favorite.
Recent statement: At games, bars, restaurants, libraries, ballet recitals and more, it's always "YANKEES SUCK."
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Get up in their face and scream "YANKEES SUCK!"
3. The brawling Red Sox fan
In brief: Will happily throw down with anyone, anywhere.
Favorite Sox: Jason Varitek.
Most cherished souvenir: Tattered and bloodied Trot Nixon replica jersey worn while single-handedly taking on eight Yankees fans following Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS.
Recent statement: "I sweah to God Sully, if that security gahd wasn't theah and I wasn't on probation, I'd go ovah to that A-Rod lovah and knock him all the way into Jets training camp."
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: See above.
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| Always ready for a party, Red Sox fans celebrate Ben Affleck's birthday on Brookline Ave. (Getty Images) |
4. The drunk Red Sox fan
In brief: Loves the Red Sox and drinking. Not necessarily in that order.
Favorite Sox: Oil Can Boyd, Kevin Millar.
Most cherished souvenir: Plastic souvenir cup from a mid-'90s trip to Fenway, religiously used to guzzle Bud Light during Sox telecasts ever since.
Recent statement: "BA BA BA ... SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!"
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Mumble incoherently about how they totally respect them for wearing a Yankees hat so close to Fenway, and then go on and on about how cool a place New York is, how it's got so many great bars, and how Yankee fans really aren't that bad once you get to know them. Eventually they'd ask to "bum a smoke."
5. The obsessive Red Sox fan
In brief: Between the Internet, sports talk radio, NESN and actual Sox games, is never not following the Red Sox in some capacity. In some cases, the obsessive fan still can't believe the Red Sox have won two World Series in recent years, and likely won't be fully satisfied until a season in which the Red Sox go undefeated and the Yankees go winless. And even then they'd question how Tito used the bullpen.
Favorite Sox: Lars Anderson, Ryan Kalish, Michael Bowden and a bunch of other dudes you haven't heard of yet.
Most cherished souvenir: Vinyl Red Sox jacket worn every day for the last 25 years.
Recent statement: "Ma! Ma! MAAAAAAAA! Phone's for you!"
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Daydream about talking trash to them, and instead scurry away to enjoy their Boston creme donut and cinnamon flavored coffee in private.
6. The literary Red Sox fan
In brief: Became a Sox fan because of the "Shakespearian Tragedy" aspect of the team's struggles, and Roger Angell's baseball writing in the New Yorker.
Favorite Sox: Fred Lynn, Bill Lee.
Most cherished souvenir: Frayed Red Sox bumper sticker on Volvo station wagon.
Recent statement: Something about Hillary Clinton. Likely negative.
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: N/A. Only drinks free-trade coffee.
7. The lady Red Sox fan
In brief: Loves the Sox, is a girl.
Favorite Sox: JAAACOOOOBEEEEEEEE!
Most cherished souvenir: Photo of left boob signed by Bronson Arroyo.
Recent statement: "Caitlin, it's Kritsin. Me and Caitlin and Kristy and Kristin are gonna go ovah to Jacoby's girlfriend's house and toilet papah her cah again!"
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: CATFIGHT!
8. The preppy Red Sox fan
In brief: Is currently wearing khaki pants, loafers, a dress shirt, a fleece and a Red Sox hat.
Favorite Sox: Whichever one their dad's law firm represents.
Most cherished souvenir: Autographed ticket stub from going backstage before the Jimmy Buffett show at Fenway.
Recent statement: "Dude, these seats are sick! But why isn't Antoine Walker playing?"
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Give them the finger as they drove by in a Jeep Cherokee covered in Phish stickers.
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| Like his idol Chuck Norris, Ben (far left) shows his approval with a thumbs up. (Getty Images) |
9. The I-went-to-college-in-Boston-so-I -still-kind-of-like-the-Red-Sox Red Sox fan
In brief: Went to college in Boston, so they still kind of like the Red Sox.
Favorite Sox: The star during their college days.
Most cherished souvenir: T-shirt from their college bookstore worn when going out to watch Red Sox games. Shows that they have some sort of Boston connection, but makes them immune to taunts from opposing fans.
Recent statement: "The reunion's coming up! Wonder how the Sox are doing."
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Think nothing of it.
10. The displaced Red Sox fan
In brief: Grew up in New England, now lives elsewhere. Still closely follows the Red Sox, goes to Boston-friendly bars, sees the team when they come to town ... and is constantly apologizing for the behavior of Sox fans 2-9.
Favorite Sox: They're "actual" fans, so the "everyone but Lugo" rule applies.
Most cherished souvenir: Local newspaper clipping from 2007 World Series hanging on office wall.
Recent statement: "Well, not everyone from Boston talks like that."
If they saw a Yankees fan at the Kenmore Square Dunkin' Donuts, they'd: Be happy it's someone else getting yelled at for once.
