ClayNation: Cure Kitna? God did it, but he's not sure why

God responds to sports fans who were angry that he healed Jon Kitna in Week 2 of the NFL season but didn't help their own teams.

From: Heaven/God
In re: My miraculous cure of Jon Kitna's concussion

"Fellow sports fans, I know that many of you were upset over my choosing to interject myself into the Minnesota Vikings-Detroit Lions game last weekend. Particularly those of you who have been consistently asking why I've forgotten about Notre Dame and were so shocked to see me actually do something in favor of another team.

Is My partiality for the Detroit Lions too obvious? -- God (Getty Images)

"I just wanted to write this memorandum of understanding to let you know that I hear you, that I feel you, that if you are walking in the valley of the shadow of death (or your team is playing in Death Valley) I haven't forsaken you. That's not how we roll here in Heaven. (Although we do roll on 20-inch chariot wheels, but that's neither here nor there.)

"The media-relation staff in Heaven has implored me to nip this P.R. controversy in the bud. I contemplated bringing about another NFL dogfighting controversy to make everyone forget about my healing of Jon Kitna, but decided that would be too cruel.

"Nevertheless many of you have been hurling imprecations at me over my seeming partiality for the Detroit Lions. Plainly, I am not a Lions fan. If I were, the Lions would have won more than a single playoff game in the past 50 years and Barry Sanders would have never retired. Also, they wouldn't have drafted all of those wide receivers who couldn't catch and have an owner who couldn't care less about holding anyone accountable.

"You can rest assured that your heavenly father remains, like only the best sportswriters on earth, impartial in all sports reporting. After all, with something as important as sports, you must have impartiality. Might I remind y'all that there is neither a G, an O, nor a D in either 'team' or 'win.'

"Also, no one should take my use of the regional colloquialism y'all as evidence that I like my Southern children more than my children from other regions. Even if my Southern children do like me more than any other part of the country and do consistently play the best football in the land. I assure you this is a complete coincidence.

"Do not worry, I will not spite you or rain down furious plagues upon your heathen landscapes. Message: God is impartial when it comes to regions of the country and isn't a sports fan. (Except I do love Tim Tebow more than anyone else.)

"Nope, in a moment of weakness, I decided to interject myself into the career of a journeyman quarterback who has had a buzz haircut since 1984. Lots of people think that I favor men with long flowing locks because that is what Jesus looked like. These people are wrong. Heaven has been partial to short hair on men since the Reformation. It has just taken a long time for short hair to catch on.

Don't worry, I haven't forsaken Notre Dame. -- God (Getty Images)

"I don't know why, I haven't interjected myself into the fashion landscape since 1991 when I decided to play a prank on Southern church-going boys and make them think it was cool to spike their hair only in the part. That was a riot. Around the same time, I also started this ridiculous hairstyle in Alabama where grown men wore really thick bangs. But instead of dying out that seems to be spreading. Who knew?

"I also know that some people have questioned Jon Kitna's assertion that I healed his concussion via a miracle so he could play in the second half of one football game. Just because there are six billion people on earth and all of them are asking me for things all day long doesn't mean that I don't have my priorities in order. After all, I know that Minnesota-Detroit is a rivalry game. Plus, I also engineered Jon Kitna's miraculous World Bowl V Barcelona Dragons win over the Rhein Fire in 1998. But no one noticed.

"Last Sunday as the muttered prayers and fervent hopes of tens of millions of sports fans climbed heavenward, I inexplicably plucked out Jon Kitna's name once again and produced a miracle in his favor. You're hearing it directly from me: I healed his concussion so the Lions could beat the Minnesota Vikings.

"At the time I thought it would be interesting to see how the most cursed city in America, Detroit, would respond to an unexpected miracle. But I didn't think about how unpopular it would be with other sports fans when they saw the hand of God reach down and only impact one man in one game. Even if it was only a half and even if the Minnesota Vikings aren't exactly the greatest team on earth. Or even very good since they traded my humble servant Randy Moss. I upset football fans and I'm sorry.

"I also want to address those of you who have questioned why I would heal one man's concussion and at the same time allow pestilence, genocide, war, death, and sundry other devilish pursuits to reign forth on earth. The answer is not a simple one. In fact, I don't even have an answer.

And hey, don't Tase me over Andrew Meyer. -- God (AP)

"I have been getting credit for every sparrow that falls to the earth ever since I created the universe 10,000 years ago, though I don't have that much interest in sparrows most of the time. Same with the Lions, their fans, football fans in general and even football broadcasts. Though on Saturday, I did make Mike Patrick start talking about Britney Spears at the start of overtime between Georgia and Alabama. Just for fun.

"But this one time, just for kicks, I finally answered the prayers of an NFL football fan. That's because more people in America pray for me to help their sports teams than ever pray for me to do anything to help anyone in another part of the world. So every sports fan should really be happy that I finally listened. Even though judging from your new prayers most of you are upset with me. Sometimes you help feed the lions and other times you help the Lions win. That's life.

"So I wanted to write this letter and promise y'all that I have learned my lesson about interjecting myself into games. It won't happen again. Not for a journeyman quarterback and not even for Heaven's signal caller, Tim Tebow. You heard it from me: God is taking a perpetual 20-second timeout when it comes to sports games not including the Chicago Cubs. Who I hate. I'm out of the game-deciding business although I'll continue to favor players who 'keep it real' and 'pour one out for their homies.' And I'm sorry about tasing Andrew Meyer."

Sincerely,

God
John 3:16