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Humble, aw-shucks Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon spent last week championing for the closer role in the All-Star Game, a role everyone knew would be Mariano Rivera's. He eventually realized this but retracted his statements too late and then cried about it after the New York newspapers (read: tabloids) went to town on his delusional ass.
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A few days earlier, the dancing, wannabe-Irish jackass discussed his plans for the Hall of Fame. That same dancing jackass has 100 saves. Awesome. So that means some time in 2003, following his 100th save and in a similar self-tribute, Dodgers closer Eric Gagne would've proudly twirled his goggles and handed out cigars to a group of gathered reporters like a guy who just got laid for the first time, and instantly begun discussing his impending legacy as the greatest dong/save wizard that ever lived.
Well it's 2008, five years later, and Eric Gagne has only managed 87 more saves, has traveled to three different teams like an equally fat, emotionally deflated Shawn Kemp and has been showered with everything but exotic panties along the way. He has pretty much become the fat girl in dodge ball overnight.
Sounds like it might be wise for Boston's overly confident, spastic closer to take a cue from what happened to Gagne and stop taking that vindicating Gatorade-cooler-over-the-head shower every morning. It's just too early for all of this.
The second half of the season would be as good a time as ever for him to simply start concentrating on baseball and putting up consistently impressive numbers for a few more seasons before we dip his dancing cleats, goggles and accompanying spandex in gold.
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| Confused by the champagne in his eyes, Papelbon decappatated a reporter for resembling A-Rod. (Getty Images) |
When he turns toward the batter's box, he looks like an even paler version of Darkman trying to invoke schoolyard fear while a laugh track unbeknown to him plays behind it. Or maybe it's that look on the playground when someone has been given that "breaking point" wedgie and finally decides to fight back, except this guy isn't 10 years old, and no one is giving him a wedgie.
Whatever it is, it's impossible to take anyone who resembles Spencer Pratt that seriously until his statistics carry some legitimate weight. Perhaps he can find some other things to do for the rest of the season other than talk about himself at each and every opportunity that presents itself, sounding as if he just wrote a hit play.
As a sign of good faith, here's a list of possible things to help keep Paps busy as he goes on this journey to shutting up:
• Mud wrestle Red Sox legend Rich Garces.
• Stare into the mirror with that angry scowl until he starts laughing or sobbing uncontrollably
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| Prior to facing each batter, Papelbon does his intimidation dance in hopes of scaring his opponent. (Getty Images) |
• Appear on an episode of The Hills as yet another douchebag
• Change entrance song from Dropkick Murphy's to theme from Dawson's Creek
• Start bar fights with the many other willing and able Boston meatheads
• Drink wine, chew massive wads of gum and watch "The Bike Shop" episode of Diff'rent Strokes
• Throw on last season's celebration spandex and goggles and take a Boston Duck Tour
• Order pizza with the chimps from Back to School
• Trade hair with Dan Shaughnessy
• Befriend Pini Swissa, Tom Brady's personal hair stylist
• Try to kill Kevin Youkilis' goatee
• Watch an interactive version of Step Up (dance your ass off buddy!)
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