ClayNation: MMA stroke some cruel kind of joke

Somebody please explain to me how we live in a country where CBS can show Mixed Martial Arts on television without an issue but people are still upset about Janet Jackson's nipple being exposed for less than two seconds in a Super Bowl halftime show. About 200,000 Americans complained about seeing Jackson's nipple. Call me crazy, but presumably many of these same people have seen female nipples before.

Did the Kimbo Slice fight help or hurt your view on MMA?   47%  Help     53%  Hurt     Total Votes: 962

Does anyone really doubt the world would be a better place if these 200,000 people were sent to live in the same middle-of-nowhere southern city, had to get along with one another and their kids could only watch violent television, shoot things and have unprotected sex and get pregnant because their parents are so afraid of sex? This would be a more interesting TV show to me than anything dealing with MMA. Especially if everyone on this show had to work at a sex-toy factory to make a living.

Based on what I saw Saturday night, MMA is an overhyped, uninteresting sport. And I'm in the vaunted target demographic for MMA. According to advertisers, I should have been agog at the extraordinary spectacle.

Instead, it stunk. Most viewers felt the same way. That's why despite the numbers massage put on by the network, 48 Hours draws more young viewers on CBS on Saturday evening.

Personally, after about 15 minutes, I would rather have been at the theater watching Samantha pretend that someone still wants to have sex with her during Sex and the City. To put that into context, I'd rather attempt a round at TPC Sawgrass with only a pitching wedge than watch the Sex and the City movie.

Kimbo whispers sweet nothings into the sweet cauliflower ear of James Thompson. (Getty Images)

After watching a night of MMA I'm convinced that most people in the media who sing MMA's praises are old guys who think they have to claim to like the sport to maintain their connection with young male consumers. There was just nothing at all interesting about the sport. Not even the athletes.

Especially the way CBS telecasted this event. It was like hearing Gus Johnson narrate paint drying. Except occasionally someone would punch the paint and put a hole in the wall. Adjectives and loud voices ensued. Thankfully I had the DVR set because there was about three minutes of fighting in the first hour. The fighting? These are skilled practitioners at the height of their combat games? I'd rather watch two bums fight on video.

Think about the sports that you enjoy watching -- there's a level of artistry to them when they're performed at their highest level. Think of Kobe swooping to the basket while avoiding defenders, Ali bobbing and weaving on the ropes, or a perfectly executed fade pass for a touchdown by Peyton Manning. Show me the artistry in anything that CBS showed Saturday night. Put plainly, it didn't exist.

If lots of males aged 18-34 truly tuned in to watch this spectacle (which the link proves wasn't really the case), I'm not particularly surprised. I would be surprised if more than half of them had an IQ over 90. Nonetheless, here were eight things that jumped out at me from the broadcast.

Kimbo Slice may be the perfect example of a BGID. If you disagree, go ahead and tell him. (Getty Images)

1. The entire three hours of this telecast can be summed up by returning to Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: Remember those guys who are running around the whole movie talking about how extreme stuff is? Even when it's not extreme at all? That's what MMA is, a bunch of losers who think they have stumbled upon something cool and extreme, but in reality they just look like tools.

I used to think it was impossible to satirize today's NBA because the reality of the league's excess was so absurd, but MMA fans are post-satire. It's a new world order. The American male has officially been branded down to such a degree that companies think if they stamp a cool logo on something and brand it as "extreme" people will gobble it up without irony. Guess what, the companies are right. At least when it comes to brain-addled MMA fans who are too dumb to realize that they have passed the point of satirical no-return.

2. Two women fighting is not attractive to me. Better question: Who is this attractive to? Certainly not to women. No guys are sitting around thinking, "You know what I'd like to spend my Saturday night doing? Watching two women beat the bloody crap out of each other."? Nothing's better than a hot face covered in blood. What? It's only attractive if at some point they stop fighting and start kissing. Or if there's that potential. Now I have limited MMA knowledge but I don't think this happens very often. If it does, I'll watch again, otherwise I'm out.

3. Kimbo Slice might be the definition of a BGID. Seriously, he has the greatest beard since Appomattox. But isn't a beard like this a huge advantage when it comes to being punched in the face? Having a beard that awesome is the rough equivalent of covering your face in moss. Now, follow me here, imagine you are matched with an equally skilled fighter. One of you has moss on his face that's not going to fall off and the other one has no moss. Wouldn't the guy with moss on his face win? I think so. Why does no one discuss this?

4. MMA on network television is the new XFL. Remember the XFL's debut (to twice as many viewers) and how the next day the newspapers were full of articles about how the XFL was the future of football? Yeah, that worked well. What no one seems willing to talk about is that no one has any interest in individual sports anymore. Sprinting and boxing used to be the two most popular sports in America outside of baseball. We revered the individual's pursuit of perfection. Now, outside of golf, tell me a sport that mainstream America truly cares about that doesn't involve team play. Still waiting.

Even if you dislike MMA and UFC, there's nothing wrong with a little Jenna Jameson. (Getty Images)

5. Who are all these guys that claim they're learning the discipline of moo goo gai pan or whatever because they need to be able to protect themselves? Really? Unless you're a solider or a law enforcement official this is a complete lie. How many bars, restaurants or clubs have you been to in the past 10 years where you've thought, man, if only I could put that submission leg lock hold on the guy in the silk shirt, we'd be safe. If you truly enjoy training and like the sport, fine, but don't claim you're doing it to protect yourself.

6. Do all MMA fans have goatees? Even Gus Johnson broke out a goatee for the telecast. Was this in the MMA contract -- whoever CBS elects to announce this show has to grow a goatee. I'm thinking yes.

7. If a sport can give you cauliflower ear like James Thompson had, shouldn't you not do it? Can you imagine having a regular job with an ear like that? What if you went to meet your doctor, lawyer or accountant and he had an ear like that? No way you're hiring him.

8. I particularly like when the winning combatant thanks God for his support. Classy. Does this mean God hated their opponent? Especially when it's a life-or-death struggle. Why doesn't the loser ever say, "Why does God hate me so much?"

For all of you who are e-mailing me about JP/LF/Raycom going to HD for their broadcasts of SEC games this fall, I'm as shocked as you are. But not so shocked that I haven't already written a column about it for Monday.