 |
 |
 |
|
The aim of the modern Olympics is to draw the world together for a peaceful celebration of athletic achievements.
But in the lead-up to many of these games, various protesters have attacked the Olympic Flame relay as a means of making their grievances known.
2008: In anticipation of the Beijing Summer Olympics, torch relays have been plagued by interruptions from those trying to draw attention to human rights violations and China's crackdowns on Tibet. Security helped the Flame reach the summit of Mount Everest free from anti-Chinese protest, and it should have been the relay's greatest triumph. Unfortunately, hiding in the snow at the top of the mountain was a contingent of PETA members looking for more free publicity to help them decry the demise of Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby.
2010: At the lighting of the cauldron to start the Vancouver Winter Games, the stadium is circled by hundreds of B-level-talent Hollywood actors and actresses who were in town anyway filming their latest movie and TV projects. They had planned to angrily protest on behalf of dozens of left-wing political causes. But after enough of the stars started passing around some prime, potent Vancouver bud, they became mesmerized by the opening ceremony's laser light show. Afterward, it was straight to Tim Hortons .
2012: Conservative U.S. family values groups travel to the London games and make a beeline for Big Ben. They are on hand to protest London's insistence that the games will usher in a worldwide era of "Metric System Time" ... e.g., 10 seconds for every minute, 10 minutes for every hour, 10 hours for every day, 10 days for every month, 10 months for every year. It turns out the e-mail that had summoned them was a hoax set up by the people who usually run the Nigerian inheritance scams. In this case, the scammers traveled to America and broke into the houses of the people who went overseas to protest.
2016: The U.S. Department of Homeland Security was sent to investigate why tens of thousands of Opening Ceremony spectators were overcome by noxious fumes after the cauldron was lit to open the Boston Summer Games. It turns out some joker thought it would be a funny prank to hide one of Bill Belichick's old game-worn Patriots hoodies at the bottom of the pit so it would catch fire.
2020: To kick off the Summer Games of Rio de Janeiro, the Flame leaves the birthplace of the games in Olympia, Greece. The flame barely travels four kilometers before it is diverted by protesters who are trying to shut down the latest Broadway revival of Grease. The world community is furious at the protesters who stopped the relay for such a frivolous cause. When it was explained that Billy Ray Cyrus was signed on to play Danny Zuko, the world community agreed that the protest was justified.
2034: The cauldron for the Winter Games in Green Bay, Wis., was lit by former Packers icon Brett Favre. Favre announces after the completion of the Winter Games that he is not retiring from Olympic Lighting Ceremonies, and that he plans to continue his duties for the next five Winter Olympiads.
2036: Only four neighboring countries attend the Opening Ceremonies of the Baghdad Summer Olympics. The fact that no other countries show up is not indicative of a worldwide boycott of Iraq's recently elected government. It's just that the price of oil is so high that no one can afford to drive or fly to get there.
2040: In the final stretch of the relay run at the Cairo Summer Games, supporters of Egyptian culture were ready to stop the flame to protest the fact that Taco Bell had bought all the pyramids and converted them into local franchise units. But the day was way too hot, and drawing close to the Flame only made the day hotter, so most decided to retire to the air-conditioned Taco Bell pyramids and scarf down a few Pharaoh Chalupas, Sphynx Steak Taquitos and icy cold Mountain Dew: Nile Extreme energy drinks.
2048, 2050: It is impossible to stage the summer and winter games that were set to occur in Cancun and Siberia due to pollution and worldwide weather crisis -- not to mention the surrounding protests therein. Instead, the athletes are sent to Lucasfilm soundstages at Skywalker Ranch in Marin County, Calif. The athletic competitions peacefully go on as planned in the weatherproof studios, after which the special effects wizards of Industrial Light and Magic add in the country-specific backgrounds thanks to advanced computer digital effects so that their holograms can be broadcast on NBC.
2056: For the first Orbiting Olympics Games, the rocket ship that was transporting the Flame from planet Earth to Moon Base Travolta was diverted by protesters who were unhappy that decades of rooting out steroids from the games will be for naught, since world records for any leaping events will be shattered due to the zero-gravity environment.
