Futurepedia: Baseball becomes enemy of the eco-friendly - SPiN

How Major League Baseball attempted to 'go green'

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

An essential part of baseball's mythic standing in the American tradition is its pastoral setting. In the 21st century, Major League Baseball made several attempts to become more eco-friendly. Some teams, such as the Boston Red Sox, incorporated Earth Day themes into uniform logos to commemorate these environmentally aware occasions.

But some well-intentioned initiatives left baseball with organic egg on its face:

2014: Players union agrees to help with a groundbreaking recycling project: Pitchers mounds will henceforth be made of compost heaps. Unfortunately, the players union did not allow pitchers final say about what these compost heaps will consist of. So along with unobjectionable material such as infield grass clippings, stadium owners mixed in the worst of the leftovers from the concession stands: half-eaten hot dogs, peanut shells, congealed nacho cheese and spoiled frogurt. Also added: the sludge of spit-out chewing tobacco from the dugouts. Compost heap project is rescinded after one week because no pitcher is able to maintain his footing atop this pile of slop.

2015: A Baltimore Sun exposé reveals that environmentally friendly cheaters are now corking their bats with bio-degradable cork. For batters, the trick is to find cork that can be timed to bio-degrade during the offseason.

2017: As the Tampa Bay Rays are firmly entrenched in their new open-air ballpark, there is no consensus among community leaders how to dispose of the white elephant of a domed stadium that was Tropicana Field. The city of St. Petersburg recycling program insists the Trop is too large to be eligible for takeaway curbside recycling.

2018: The target of the latest Congressional investigation into steroid use in baseball: solar-powered steroids. Nearly two-dozen power hitters admit that solar-powered steroids are why they hit more home runs in day games than in night games by a 4-to-1 margin from 2009-16. The culprits thought the commissioner's office would go easier on their punishments if they were being more environmentally conscious in how they went about their cheating.

2025: On Opening Day for the Washington Nationals, U.S. vice president Al Gore throws out the first pitch of an environmentally friendly baseball he invented that is made of kelp. Meanwhile, President Leonardo DiCaprio is at Chicago's Wrigley Field unveiling a new ivy he designed and planted for the outfield wall that helps combat CO2 emissions and billy goat curses.

2031: American League officials vote to switch to bats made from recycled aluminum.

2032: American League officials vote to switch to outfield gloves made from recycled pleather.

2033: American League officials vote to switch to jock straps made from recycled sandpaper.

2034: American League players vote to stop using equipment made from any random recycled crap.

2035: MLB stadiums salute Arbor Day by planting trees in foul territory. Teams that play in domes realize two months later that trees planted in artificial turf will die because roots can find no soil nutrients in concrete.

2038: MLB announces it will use only reclaimed water in its field maintenance. This is especially popular with stadium owners who are too cheap to replace their broken urinals.

2044: Environmental Protection Agency operative Walter Peck Jr. orders New Fenway Park closed when he discovers its "Green Monster" is made entirely of spoiled green bologna.

2051: In Cooperstown, the Baseball Hall of Fame opens a new wing in its museum devoted to players who remember what fresh air smelled like.