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God, mother's love, death, taxes and Matt Chico. Yes, the Nationals ace is part of the universal truth, within the pentagram of perfection. So, with a few fresh rounds of the local brew, Sid and Eric tip a little out on the floor in Matthew's honor. May Chico have mercy on their souls.
| ERIC KAY | SID SARAF |
| BOURBON QUESTION: Since when are 15-year-old sons of former NBA sharpshooters allowed in the NCAA tournament? | |
| Check this out: Click here. Now click here. Weird, right? Pro poker player Phil Ivey is Stephen Curry. Let's play this game one more time: Click here. Now click here. Weird, right? CBSSports.com Editor of Excellence Sid Saraf is Indian film legend Om Puri. As for this Stephen Curry situation, I blame Sidney J. Furie for this mess. Who is Sidney J. Furie you ask? Here's a hint: "All I know is, I got a lotta balls!" That's right, neighbors, Furie directed the first how-to guide to succeed at sports while crossdressing with his art-house flick, Ladybugs. Yes, Stephen Curry is ... a woman! I done gone did it, Sid. I've gone did it. Let's break this down. He has no manly beard like I do now. He has no Nick Naylor jaw like you do, Sid. His name is eerily close to Stephanie. He wears a bra. Not a bro like I do, a bra. My sources tell me. Who are my sources? His uncle -- Tim Curry. That's right, I've got Wadsworth on the scene. Here's what Tim Curry wrote me in an e-mail earlier today: Dear Eric, Please stop e-mailing me or I'll call the authorities, again. -- Tim It's all clear now, isn't it? Tim Curry was Wadsworth AND Mr. Boddy! What were we talking about, again? Hey, I smell Matt Chico cooking ... | Dude, totally. What in the name of Jiminy Glick is going on? We all know that Paul Mokeski was known throughout his illustrious and handsome NBA career for being deadly from the outside. And of course, it is assumed when athletes procreate, there's a good chance their offspring will have a modicum of athletic chops. It's all in the genes, or so I've read (and by read, I mean not read). But, for God's sake, young Jake Mokeski just doesn't have what it takes. Did you see him stumbling and bumbling during USC's pathetic loss to Kansas State? It made me sick to see reporters get slurpy over Michael Beasley, when the truth is he did nothing but capitalize on Jake's mistakes. He not only cost the Trojans a chance at a national title, but a golden opportunity to distract the national media from the Reggie Bush situation. And that makes Pete Carroll and myself very upset. OK, maybe it's not Jake's fault. After all, he was just a young high-school lad suddenly thrown onto the national stage. I heard he's not even a basketball fan. I think he's into that Magic game and smokes cigarettes with the goth kids. Oh well ... chalk it up as a lesson learned. Sometimes apples are launched far from the tree. |
| SCOTCH QUESTION: Who's likely to have a better year: EKay's Matt Chico or Sid's Chadley Billingsley? | |
| Sid's right, you just can't have too much Chico. It's the Year of the Chico in China. It's Chico de Mayo in Mexico. It's Chico-vale in Brazil. And it's Chico in Charge for the Nats every five days. Word has it Chico may not even take time off between starts. You may see him pull long relief on his off days, pinch running for Da Meathook or assaulting Elijah Dukes' babies' mommas. When Chico sends a pix message of a gun, bullets come out when you hit accept. Every breath you take, Chico's watching you. Let's catch our breaths. "Eric, why are you and Sid so obsessed with Matt Chico?" This isn't a Chicoacracy, it's a Chicotatorship. No questions allowed, son. The only way Chadley Billingsley could have a better year than Matt Chico is to get into a time machine, set the clock to June 10, 1983 and location Fullerton, CA. and somehow pop out of Mama Chico's womb. Not only that, "circle changeup" better be his first words. So what sort of year will Matt Chico have? Anything less than 42 wins and 345 strikeouts is probably a letdown. But that's what they say about all the great ones, right, Charles Durning? | Ah yes, let's bury ourselves in a little Chico. There can't be too much Chico, for there is but one Chico. And a world without Chico is ... well, I don't know, but I'm sure it would suck. Everything that is good and just in this world can be traced to a Chico. That man who discovered America? That's right: Christopher "Chico" Columbus. The man who abolished slavery? Who else but Abraham Chico. Looking for the man who led the civil rights movement? Well, you can stop searching Buster Brown, because his driver's license said "Martin Luther Chico." Fine, enough shtick. You know if you drop the 't' from "shtick," it's still not a dirty word? How disappointing. Now, I can sing the praises of Matt Chico all day, but ... actually, no buts. Chico is great and I'm going to sing it loud. For once, I'm in complete agreement with Kay. I'm going to make movies with Matt Chico -- actually they'll be remakes with the two of us in the lead parts. How about: Chicostruck, or Chico in the Hood, or maybe even Operation Chico Drop starring Doug E. Doug. These titles doing anything for you? If Matt Chico was a religious text, he'd be The Holy Chico. |
| BEER QUESTION: Are you more of a Jessica or Ashley (Simpson)? | |
| Sid's right about this one? Who wrote this question? The only place I've seen these two these days are on Sid's iPod. Boy-yoy-yoing! Well, Sid's a total Ashley (have you seen those schnozes!) Boy-yoy-yoing: The Sequel! So I guess I'm a Jess. Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it. OK, so what if I wear pink Dallas Cowboys jerseys? So what if I take trips to Mexico on the CBSSports.com corporate card? So what if I used Proactiv? So what if I have a pair of cutoff jean shorts that hugs my lil Kays a bit too tight? At least I'm not one Hombre Thong away from completing my wardrobe like Sid. Boy-yoy-yoing: No Turning Back! This question could have been phrased so many better ways: Are you more of a Gary Busey or Nick Nolte? Are you more of an Om Puri or Jay Chandrasekhar? When will Owen Templeton stop wearing Michael Jordan's underwear? Why does Sid like 39-year-olds? Because there are 30 of them! Boy-yoy-yoing: Vegas Vacation! Oh, and as for that fannypack stab? In case you haven't noticed, I have a beard. That means I chop wood. I drive a pickup with a hybrid in the bed. I put sawdust on my burgers. And yes, I wear a fannypack. Where else would I store all my Stormin' Norman trading cards? | No seriously, Matt Chico kicks ass. I'm not done yet. If Matt was a TV news show, he'd be 60 Chicos. OK, enough. So, am I an Ashley or a Jessica? You know, to be honest, I don't even know what that means. Unlike Mr. Kay, I don't spend my off hours in the American Idol chatrooms, blathering about Paula Abdul's latest outfit. I don't do the quizzes in my latest (subscriptions) of Vogue and Cosmo. You won't catch me wearing Crocs with no socks, either. Come on Eric, give us a break, you Croc-socker. Seriously, our precious banter has taken a turn for the decidedly worse. Who's responsible for these questions? Choosing between Ashley and Jessica Simpson? Have we turned into Extra? Shall I change my name to Mark McGrath? Fine, here goes (groan): I'd have to choose Ashley. I have respect for anyone who walks into a McDonald's and demands the employees kiss her feet. Would I have kissed them? Of course not, I'm not turned on by that stuff (cough, cough). There's just something special about drunk girls making a scene in public. Anyway, back to Kay. I mean, what's the deal with the fanny pack you tote around? Hey, 1988 called -- will you accept the charges? Boo-yeah. |
| Previous Bar Room Banters: March 20 | March 13 | Feb. 28 | Feb. 21 | Feb. 14 | Feb. 7 | Jan. 31 | Jan. 24 | Jan. 17 | |
