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The antebellum pregnant daughter of CBS Sports is in the press box. Granted it's for the worst bowl game of the 2007 season, but still, I'm here ready to pour my heart and soul into this game with the same rigorous precision you've come to expect for the ClayNation column.
This is a graduation of sorts. Like when the B-movie actress who you've known is going to get naked in a movie finally gets naked in that movie. Only the male sportswriting equivalent and thankfully without the nudity. This analogy really isn't working that well. Here goes with the day after Christmas Motor City Bowl DDT-Detroit style.
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| Thanks partly to Curtis Painter's 546-yard game, the Motor City Bowl was actually a fun one. (US Presswire) |
2. Plus people traveling on the day after Christmas are the kind of people who haven't flown since they were discharged from the Korean War. One man in front of me said, "There's metal detectors now?" Yeah, that was a big surprise for me, too. Guess who went through security behind this guy and his wife?
3. I've said this before but I would give the TSA anything they want to allow me not to have to have to go through regular security check points. They could measure every body part, take hair samples ... I'd pee into a cup. They could even know what websites I visit, what I'm reading, and how much I hate Comcast. Just don't make me stand in line. That's all I'm asking for. I'll give you whatever information you want about me.
4. My plane touches down in Detroit. I imagine this is what landing on the moon is like. Well, the moon with a bad murder rate. Everything is sort of chalky, there's a deep mist that obscures everything at the airport. Then, by the time I get to the rental car office and they tell me they're out of cars (despite my reservation), the sun is out.
5. Remember how I predicted that none of my wife's Detroit relatives would have any idea I was coming to the city even though I announced it in the column 10 days ago? Yeah, I was right. I call and no one in the entire family knew I was going to be in town. Mad respect.
6. This is the case even though the local Detroit Free Press ran a news article about the worst bowl contest and announced that I would be at the game. Included was this line, "Though, don't necessarily hate Mr. Travis when you see him at Ford Field." I'm sure they've said this about Jim Nantz before, too.
7. By the time I get into a cab it's relatively balmy for Detroit. Sunny and it's got to be at least 40. The first time I visited Michigan in the winter I walked out of the airport and stood just outside. I turned to my wife and said, "Hey, it's not so bad here." She said, "That's because you're standing directly underneath the heat lamps."
8. Any city that has heat lamps outside for the cold is not my kind of city. By the time I check in at my hotel in downtown Detroit, it's sunny and from the 46th floor I can see over the river into Canada.
9. Don't believe me? This is the only day with sun in the forecast for the next 10. It's not uncommon for the sun not to appear during Michigan winters for a month. That's not an exaggeration. Asked what the biggest difference between Michigan and Tennessee winters was my wife didn't even mention the temperature. "You can see the sun down here," she said.
10. I show up unexpectedly at my father-in-law's meat-packing plant in Hamtramck. We go to lunch. "No way the Motor City Bowl is the worst bowl. I looked after you called me and said you were going to be in town. It's gotta be the Humanitarian Bowl." We're in agreement. Thank god I'm in Detroit instead.
11. Exactly 2½ hours before kickoff I go to my hotel window and I can't see a single thing. The fog is everywhere and the temperature is plummeting. Tardio has just landed. "Is there ever sun here?" he asks.
