ClayNation: One weekend in Eden's Cocktail Party

Let me just say this before you start drowning in the details: Go to the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party before you die. I personally guarantee that you will have a great time. Even if you don't care who wins between Florida and Georgia.

Even if you hate both Florida and Georgia, you don't actually like football, or sports or end up going into the stadium (although you should go); being in Jacksonville for this weekend is completely worth it. Even if, you know, you're staying in a Red Roof Inn somewhere on the outskirts of Jacksonville.

Since the Dixieland Delight book has been released, several readers have e-mailed to ask why I didn't go to this game last year. The answer was because I wanted to see a game on each campus during the DDT and didn't have time to see a neutral-site game. That was a legitimate reason for purposes of the book, but based on everything I've heard from readers, I couldn't wait to get here and see the Cocktail Party in person for the first time. Accompanying me for the weekend was UK grad Tardio, also a Cocktail Party first-timer.

So here we go DDT style for the Cocktail Party:

1. Every cab driver, baggage handler, and police officer in Jacksonville is sex-crazed when it comes to Cocktail Party weekend. This manifests itself early, when the one-eyed baggage guy near our rental car bids us adieu: "Go get you some playas," he says. Then he offers me a fist pound.

Condoms for sale at a Red Roof Inn vending machine. (Provided to CBSSports.com)

2. Our hotel, The Red Roof Inn, is undergoing a re-branding. Evidently some people think that the Red Roof Inn is not that nice of a hotel. Imagine that. We arrive at around 9 to check in and immediately the front desk man harangues me because I don't know the license plate number for our car. The RRI has hundreds more parking spaces than it needs and we are nowhere near anything that someone not staying at the hotel might want to park near. "I'll get back to you on that," I say, because Tardio has left in the car to go get beer.

3. We're staying at the Red Roof Inn because the downtown Wyndham is the only downtown hotel that has rooms available. And their rate for Friday and Saturday night is $582 a night. Seriously, $582 a night. And it doesn't even include a Georgia coed.

4. While we wait to take our cab to Jacksonville Landing, Tardio buys candy from the vending machine. He returns to inform me that the vending machine in our lobby sells Snickers alongside condoms. Yep, condoms in the vending machine at the RRI. That's class.

5. For the entire ride to Jacksonville Landing, our cab driver talks about all the freaky things he's done with girls visiting town for the Cocktail Party. It's like Taxicab Confessions in reverse. This conversation will play itself out in repeat on every one of our cab rides for the rest of our stay.

6. Thursday night at Jacksonville Landing is kind of quiet. It's raining and every bar/club is trying to attract patrons by using flashing strobe lights.

Remember back in seventh grade when the guy who had the strobe light would bring it to the party and everyone went crazy because the strobe light was there? Sometimes the guy with the strobe light would get invited to parties solely because he had the strobe light.

Then this guy would inevitably get caught smoking behind his shed and his mom would threaten to make him take the strobe light back to Spencer's Gifts and everyone would get really nervous that the party wasn't going to be cool at all. But then the guy with the strobe light always made a play and showed up.

Basically this guy has grown up and is still popular at the Cocktail Party. Strobe lights are everywhere. As a result it's almost impossible to see inside any club.