 |
 |
 |
|
A few months ago, I pitched Tomorrow Never Fines, an action-packed movie treatment about Chad Johnson and his four-legged sidekick, Restore the Roar. Despite the massive commercial potential, Hollywood was just not ready to bring the world of Chad Johnson and his equine pal to the big screen.
But perhaps my second installment of "NFL Movies" will draw more interest. This time around, we're dealing with some lighter fare. The following script is the beginning of Dude Where's My $350,000 Car, a buddy comedy starring Lance Briggs and Rex Grossman.
Please note that this movie is heavily based on the film Dude, Where's My Car?, and just like Naughty By Nature said, if you've never seen Dude Where's My Car?, you wouldn't understand Dude Where's My $350,000 Car?, so don't come to Dude Where's My $350,000 Car?. Or something like that.
So please turn off your cell phones and enjoy ...
Dude Where's My $350,000 Car?
Open in a disheveled living room, where REX sits on the couch watching a tape of Peyton Manning hosting Saturday Night Live.
His roommate LANCE stumbles in, just waking up.
Lance: You watching this again?
On the TV is the fake United Way commercial where Manning hits a kid in the face with a football. REX laughs and laughs ... and slowly starts crying.
Rex (sobbing): That should have been me.
Lance: Oh come on, don't be so hard on yourself. We all lost that game together.
REX picks up the remote control and tries to turn off the TV, but the button won't work. He gets frustrated and throws the remote at the TV, only it goes WAY off course and toward a closet door ... which is suddenly opened by ENIS. Startled, ENIS catches the remote.
Enis: Morning, guys.
Lance and Rex: Morning, Enis.
ENIS tosses the remote back at Rex and walks into a nearby bedroom.
Lance: Man, what did we do last night?
Rex: I don't remember. Wasn't there a team party?
Lance: Yeah! Did we go?
Rex: We must have. What kind of Bears would we be if didn't go?
Both Lance and Rex start to smell something funny.
Rex: Is Enis ...?
LANCE peeks into the bedroom.
Lance: Oh, not again!
Rex: He's crapping the bed?
Lance: What do you think?
Lance and Rex hold their noses as ENIS walks back into the room and toward the closet.
Rex: Thanks a lot, Enis.
Lance: See you tomorrow, Enis.
Enis: Orton.
ENIS closes the closet door.
Lance: When did you play with Enis?
Rex: I never played with him.
Lance: I thought he was your friend.
Rex: Nope.
LANCE shrugs.
Lance: Man, I'm hungry.
Rex: Me too.
LANCE and REX go into the kitchen to look in the fridge.
Lance: What's that?
Rex: That's The Fridge.
Lance: I know. But where's our fridge?
Rex: Right there.
Lance: No, not that Fridge! Our fridge.
Rex: That is our Fridge!
Lance: No, that's The Fridge! And it's full of pudding.
Indeed, where their fridge should be, REX and LANCE have found WILLIAM "THE REFRIGERATOR" PERRY covered in empty pudding packets.
Lance: Is it possible we got so Ortoned last night that we replaced our fridge with The Fridge, fed him lots of pudding and just forgot about it?
Rex: I'd say it's entirely possible.
Just then, the phone rings once, and LANCE and REX's voicemail message immediately picks up. "Lance and Rex are Orton at the moment. Please leave your Orton at the beep. Orton."
Coach Smith (on phone, angry): What was with you guys last night? We had a team dinner, and you two show up with a bunch of people, some pizza and cake, and started trashing the place! You guys are sucky Bears! You're probably sitting there with the Fridge and a ton of pudding, wondering what you did last night! Maybe you should ask him! Also, practice starts in 20 minutes. If you're late, then you get no special treats! BYE!
Rex: Dude, Coach Smith is pissed.
Lance: Good thing we went to the Super Bowl last year.
Rex: Yeah. What does he mean by special treats?
Lance: I don't know.
Rex: You think it could be some of Tank's treats?
Lance: Maybe so!
Rex: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!
Cut to REX and LANCE standing outside of their house, looking puzzled.
Lance: Dude, where's my car?
Rex: Where's your car dude?
Lance: Dude, where's my car?
Rex: Where's your car dude?
Lance: Dude, where's my car?
Rex: Where's your car dude?
Lance: Did we drive home last night?
Rex: I think so.
Lance: Did we?
Rex: I'm not sure. Where's your car dude?
Lance: This isn't funny! That car cost $350,000!
Rex: Really? That was stupid.
Lance: Yeah? So was making 12 turnovers in the Super Bowl!
Rex: It was only three!
Lance: Whatever. Now we need to find my car so we can make it to practice and get some of Tank's special treats.
Rex: Fine. In order to find your car, we need to get back into the state of mind we were in last night.
Lance: Good call.
LANCE and REX stand still, staring into the distance. Their minds are completely blank.
Rex: I got nothing.
Lance: Me neither.
Rex: Why don't you call the cops and say it was stolen! Then they can give us a ride to practice in the back of a cop car!
Lance: Yeah! Nice play calling, QB!
LANCE takes out his cell phone and dials 911.
911: Emergency hotline. How may I help you?
Lance: Hi, my car was stolen.
911: What happened?
Lance: Um, I was driving.
911: And then?
Lance: And then I parked.
911: And then?
Lance: And then my car was gone.
911: And then?
Lance: And then I can't find my car dude.
911: And then?
Lance: And then you help me find my car.
911: And then?
Lance: Come on. Find my car!
911: And then?
Lance: And then you call me when you find my car!
911: And then?
Lance: And then I hang up!
LANCE hangs up.
Rex: Dude, are they gonna find your car?
Lance: I think so.
Rex: Orton.
Lance: Totally Orton.
LANCE and REX attempt to high-five, but REX misses and -- BAM -- smacks his hand on their mailbox.
REX falls down clutching his hand in pain. In doing so, he misses the "Get out of jail free" card that LANCE grabs as it falls from the mailbox.
Rex (holding his hand): Dude!
Lance (reading the card): Sweet!
Rex: Dude!
Lance: Sweet!
Rex: Dude!
Lance: Sweet!
Rex: Dude!
Lance: Sweet!
Across the street, BUTKUS comes out of his house to pick up the morning paper. He looks over at LANCE and REX.
Butkus: Idiots.
