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Our beaver pelt trader of the week award goes to a fake newspaper that recently swept the Internet with a hoax titled, "Game day changes jar some Tide fans."
Among other things the article suggests that people blowing more than a 0.08 at an Alabama home game will have their season tickets revoked, and provides a prohibited list of game day attire.
My personal favorite: "Jerseys worn into the stadium must be Nike."
I'd be lying if I said this article hadn't been taken seriously on just about every SEC football message board. Except by Mississippi State fans. They're far too discriminating to fall for crap like that. And, what do you know, a clever segue to All That and a Bag of Mail and an e-mail from a MSU fan.
MSU girl writes:
"I think you are incredibly wrong by ranking MSU as number 12. maybe you should come back for a game that isn't at the crack of dawn or maybe you should stay away from the ugly girls in general. Since you are so amazing good looking. I have visited 10 out of the 12 Sec schools and i am completely bewildered by your so called rankings. how about next time you do a little more research before you call MSU girls the worst looking in the SEC. Look in the mirror sweet heart.
"PS Mr Hot stuff himself, when our football team actually wins a few games maybe the hot girls will think about attending, but until then we try to stay away from uglies like you and have our drinks under out tents. plus it's like 100 degrees during football season. i've said my peace, ass----."
I'd like to say I'm surprised that it took this girl from Mississippi State about eight months to read and respond to my ranking of SEC girls. But then, she goes to Mississippi State. I'm surprised she didn't send this response on papyrus scrolls via the pony express.
Bonus points for the look-in-the-mirror line. It doesn't get much stronger than that. Thank god she didn't follow up this verbal snipe with the sticks and stones line because I would have been done. D-O-N-E.
Via reader Eric Haag (who forwarded me a question from a friend of his responding to my rankings of black people who white people like more than black people do):
"I'm extremely disappointed in Clay. How can Hootie not be on this list?"
You're right. I blew this. Darius Rucker has to be on this list. I've revised and expanded the list accordingly:
- Morgan Freeman
- Oprah
- James Earl Jones
- Darius Rucker
- Barack Obama
Regarding Obama: You know how I hate to start rumors, but I've heard that Obama is thinking about trying to appeal more to black voters by adopting Robin Thicke's song Lost Without U as his new campaign theme song. This makes sense. Hillary Clinton is just dripping street cred right now among the Democratic presidential contenders.
Chris writes:
"Clay, you are dead to us. I grew up in Dayton OH 70 miles from Columbus, but I went to UT for college. It took a little while, but considering I had never attended an OSU game and I went to school at UT and of course went to all the games the transformation became complete in the early '90's ... I became All-Vol.
"As a Vol fan who begins tailgating at 7am no matter what time kickoff is (night games are best in case you have forgot) you NEVER EVER root for Michigan, OSU, ND, PSU, USC, UCLA, OKLA, or any other school UNLESS UNLESS UNLESS that team winning would help the Vols in the SEC or MNC race. You obviously have spent far to much time in Nashville and not near enough time outside and inside Neyland Stadium on Gameday. Which BTW is 46 days, 9 hours, 34 minutes from Cal Kickoff and 53 days, 8 hours, 32 minutes, and 30 seconds from the 1st home kickoff.
"Perhaps we need to email you a schedule to rekindle your pride? For the love of God Man! Snap out of or did you just love the ESPN commercial with the OSU and UM fans kissing? Sick sick sick. Since I'm an engineering major please feel free to make fun of my superfluous use of commas.You are dead to us."
Wait, am I dead to you? Don't worry, I'll see UT play plenty of games this fall on my DDT double-duty book tour and football tour around the SEC. At Berkeley, at 'Bama, at Florida and at home against Georgia. I'm even going to the World's Largest Cocktail Party, where I'll be rooting for the first-ever double loss to occur.
Calvin writes:
"'Basically UT and Michigan are to college football what dry humping is to sex.' That is a classic line. It reminds me of the basketball at Wake Forest during the Tim Duncan and Chris Paul eras."
Great point. I have lots of friends who went to Wake Forest and they couldn't even appreciate the Chris Paul era because they were too busy trying to figure out how they were going to screw things up. Remember when Chris Paul punched that guy in the groin and got suspended? I always thought that was one of the most underplayed stories ever. Chris Paul! This would be like if Mike Vick was head of a dogfighting ring and -- oh, wait ...
In defense of UT and Michigan football, both have won national championships in the past 10 years or so. So if they're to college football what dry humping is to sex, then Wake Forest is to college basketball what the fat girl at the frat party who's begging the affable fat guy in the frat to dry hump her but knows she's actually going to end up alone at Krystal is to sex.
Honestly, I'd like to do a whole flow chart of these analogies for different schools. The affable fat fraternity guy would make a lot of appearances. For instance Vanderbilt athletics might just be the affable fat fraternity guy of college sports.
Jack Gager writes:
"Clay -- I enjoyed your story. I am a U of M alumnus in Knoxville and I found myself in a similar situation. I couldn't very well walk into Neyland Stadium without some UT gear. While waiting in the checkout line, I found myself torn thinking back to that New Year's Day I spent in Orlando. If I can say so myself, it took a big man to get over that humiliation and actually go through with the purchase. However, I couldn't look myself in the eyes when I passed a window or mirror."
I never look myself in the eyes when I pass a window or a mirror. Two bad things can happen: 1. You find out you're a vampire 2. You realize you have no business ever talking to a woman at a bar or social setting ever again because you look so bad. So nothing good ever happens.
As for the team apparel rules, I'm drafting a column where I deconstruct who can wear what and when. I still say UT and Michigan is fine in both of our cases because the teams never play and we have associational relationships with each university. But setting out all of these rules is difficult. Right now my rationale is filled with as many loops as a South Carolina family tree.
Joe C. writes:
"Steve and Barry's is truly an amazing store. I can't find much Notre Dame gear here in Rhode Island, yet I can find Michigan Wolverines, Michigan State, Tennessee Volunteers, and a whole host of made up teams like the Idaho 'Ramming Cocks' for instance. Maybe Notre Dame wouldn't sell their integrity for a $5 t-shirt?"
Please, Notre Dame would sell their integrity for a buffalo nickel. Or buffalo dung. Personally, I think Pope Benedict XVI is to blame. He's always had it out for Steve & Barry's. Either that or I'm really mistranslating his Latin addresses.
Growler writes:
"A guy typed each word of the one to a million took him years to do. I counted to a million when I was a kid, took a few months, but to say each of the words out loud would be a challenge. Take care."
Big deal, I counted to fifteen billion in my head. Twice.
Jason Schoming writes:
"How bad was the music at the All-Star Game? First, Chris Isaak screws up the words to the National Anthem, then Paula Cole can't plug in a keyboard. It's like they made us watch the Grammy blooper reel from 1993."
Is Paula Cole still alive? I skipped baseball's All-Star Game in favor of drinking at the bar. Sort of like what Bud Selig is doing with Barry Bonds.
Patrick writes:
"Are you worried that Bear Grylls may be the coolest guy on the entire freaking planet and the world is not taking sufficient notice? Hell, I am. I assume by now you have remedied your DVR's Ghost Whispering Malfunction and are properly set to all things BEAR. Last Friday's episode was stellar, however my wife stated to me during a commercial break that Grylls could no longer be taken seriously as a mancrush candidate or 'coolest guy going' because of the camera men with him and because he drank his own urine. Even though I am currently checking divorce law in my state, as such sacrilege should give me grounds for the house and future assets, I would like you weigh in on these topics and will even accept ideas for adequately punishing my aforementioned spouse for her blasphemy. I mean come on, it's him versus WILD ... he takes on the whole damn ... WILD."
When he drank his own urine that made me respect Bear even more. This is probably the first time the previous sentence has ever been written. But it's true. If Bear Grylls needed a kidney and giving him that kidney would mean I would die, I would still think about giving him my kidney.
From a legal perspective there is a movement afoot to expand the grounds for divorce. Right now there's fault and no-fault divorce. Word is pretty soon there are going to be three categories: a. fault; b. no-fault; c. lack of respect for Bear Grylls. So consider your wife forewarned.
Also, last night at the bar my friend Kelly and I decided we're going to spend a weekend in the Tennessee woods this fall or winter with only a bottle, a flint, and a knife. Seriously, we're doing this. Only instead of being dropped out of an airplane we're being led into the woods with blindfolds on and then abandoned. This is going to turn out great. Especially for someone like me who doesn't even like the woods.
Jon writes:
"Godd--n Clay, are you serious with that Michigan crap? Even though she is your significant other, there are certain boundaries that can't be broken. Damn, what's next? She gonna ask for your balls next dude? Man I wouldn't give up my jorts and gator wife beater for some bull-. You need to make a pyre for that Michigan stuff."
Believe it or not this was one of the less inflammatory e-mails I received from angry SEC fans. If it weren't already so hot in Nashville I might be willing to build a funeral pyre for the Michigan apparel.
Jesse Harris writes:
"Just read the new article, and I think I threw up in my mouth. How can the man that brought us the DDT be responsible for such blasphemy? Clay Travis, I'm going to be in Nashville the last weekend of July. A punch to what would be your spine is coming if I see you out, you Big 10 sympathizer. This is truly a sad day."
Just so you know I'll be the guy in the Charles Woodson jersey. Punch me really hard. But in the face.
Brian Rice writes:
"The good news is Dave Rowe will now have time to focus on his primary function at LF, which is, of course, selling insurance. No word if all of the hamsters that powered last year's truck were retained."
For some reason I'm picturing Dave Rowe leading an army of LF hamsters on a cross-country hike like that movie guy who could control all the rats. And somehow they're going to show up at my home, and lay siege by eating all the cable and internet wires on the outside of my condo. Then Dave Rowe is going to take a microphone and keep repeating his catchphrases over and over again while the LF/JP theme music plays at an ear-shattering decibel level. I'm already trying to get Jared Lorenzen's phone number so he can distract Dave Rowe and allow me to escape by throwing touchdown passes against the neighborhood kids.
