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Editor's Note: For more photos of the CBS SportsLine.com Redbull Flugtag blimp, check out the SPiN on Sports Facebook group page.
I'm not going to lie, all my life has been a prelude to this exact moment -- when I can officially unveil for you the ClayNation Makin' it Rain video. I was ably assisted by my high school friends Greg Schamberg and Daniel Hearn in making this an Oscar-worthy production. It also stars my parents who have already bought polish for their awards. This is probably the highlight of my life up to this point. The only downside is that we had to cut me making it rain at the Cracker Barrel Old Country store.
If you see UnderArmour stock taking a nosedive at about noon on Friday, you'll know why. Watch and enjoy.
Cumberland River group surfaces
Remember how I said if you were a person, place or thing (otherwise known in street slang as a "noun"), you had an interest group? Well, that fact continues to be proven true. Because I've managed to offend a river and its adherents. Yep, the Cumberland River people are angry at me for disparaging the cleanliness of the Cumberland in my column. Seriously.
I received a nice e-mail from Geralyn Hoey of the Cumberland River Compact, "A bit of education for ... you as you proceed further into your press about the event, our city and its great river. The Cumberland River at downtown riverfront is healthier than many of the small tributaries that flow into it -- healthier than the tributaries that run through the backyards of people in the wealthiest communities of Nashville. Unfortunately, the River does not get the respect it deserves."
There you have it, much like every athletic team in America, even rivers play the no-respect card these days. Even more impressive, there are e-mail addresses that include @cumberlandriver in the address. I'm almost speechless.
Hoey continued, "Because of the work of the Metro Water Services and their efforts to separate the systems, 33 miles of the Cumberland River were taken off the impaired list of streams in 2003. The section that was removed included the downtown portion where your event will be held."
I'm so excited by this news I just might intentionally drink the Cumberland River when I splash into it. Maybe I won't even get out of the water, I'll just float on down making a water fountain with my mouth until I run into Huck Finn and Jim in the doubtlessly crystal clear Mississippi.
Until then, however, the Cumberland River will likely remain upset at me: "I'm sorry that those statements and columns had to be at the detriment of our River and the many agencies and non-profit organizations who work hard to enhance our water quality," Hoey concluded. As a way of ameliorating the river's anger, here are the 10 worst crashes in Flugtag history.
Hopefully the Cumberland River will forgive me. There's nothing worse than being despised by water.
On to All That and a Bag of Mail
From: Blair
"Good luck with the Cumberland jump. Think you've got as much chance of flying as a bathtub (and almost as much pipework), but should make a good splash. Couple of things though...
1. After you jump make sure you cross your legs. Seriously. Unless you've filled more than a few Dixie cups, just make sure your legs are crossed or you'll soon find out what it's like when those gymnasts on the beam slip.
2. Make sure there's no internal cross-sections (i.e. likely thought of for hand-bars) and pad the internal angles. You'll hit the water and (probably) go straight through. Your PVC blimp will either crumble or float, but it won't penetrate the water as easily as your (crossed) legs. Ideally then you will slip out (don't strap yourself in unless you want whiplash and to guarantee the float will crumble) and not brain yourself on the way out (and considering the blimp will probably sink soon after -- depending on what the skin's made of -- you don't want to get caught up in it).
3. If you want to make your exit a bit easier, try and flex your legs forwards (if in front) or backwards (if in back) slightly. That way when you hit the water instead of going straight down you'll slip down and away. It's a similar concept as to why high-divers don't have multiple concussions. Just make sure to cross your legs."
From: Aaron
"Clay, I hope that all is well and that you enjoyed your vacation. I must say that I didn't since I anxiously await your columns each week to break the monotony of my day here at (company name removed to protect one of my readers from being fired and to keep CBS SportsLine.com from being included in the firewall.) CBS SportsLine.com is one of the few sites that is not restricted by the manacles of our corporate firewall. This last week was quite trying, please don't leave us again.
Anyway, being local to Nashville, I, like every other malcontent in town, am excited about the festivities at Riverfront this Saturday, but was troubled to see "Alcohol" listed as one of the items prohibited from the event. I can't imagine that you are planning on piloting that deathtrap into the river without a drop of alcohol, and I was hoping that you could possibly shed some light on this situation. You may not know, but does this refer to outside alcohol or are they not planning on selling drinks at all? Thanks in advance."
Aaron, I have no idea about alcohol restrictions one way or the other but there's no way I'm drinking Red Bull without alcohol. My alcohol suggestion would be to arrive prepared with your own stash. I can't imagine that the searches on entry are going to be any tougher than they would be for an SEC football game, and people smuggle enough alcohol into SEC football games to put the field underwater.
So, arrive prepared with your own flask filled with liquor to mix with what I'm sure will be enough Red Bull to sink Venice completely into the ocean. Also, be sure not to bring a girlie flask. One of my friends, no joke, got a steel whiskey flask from his girlfriend with this inscription: "For Pookie from your Schwetie." He never told us why she intentionally spelled sweetie like this, but we had lots of hypotheses. At least one of them involved fantasy roleplay where he pretended to be investment guru Charles Schwab. Rest assured none of these hypotheses were good for him. Regardless, we made so much fun of him that he ultimately covered the whiskey flask inscription with tape. So be careful of that.
After I wrote all this, I discovered that Red Bull had received approval to sell alcohol at the event from the Metro Nashville Council. So there I go again, solving all the world's problems.
From: Gary
"Re: Your Blimp Ride. Have you considered that one of those PVC pipes may break, creating a sharp object capable of impaling you? I'm no engineer, but this would concern me more than the 30 foot fall."
Of course I haven't considered this. But now it's all I can think about. Impaled is one of those terrifying verbs like decapitated, raped, murdered, and sodomized that you never want to see associated with your own name. Thanks Gary.
From: Amy
"Clay, while you might not have to contend with toothpick fish in the Cumberland, there is a chance that Bull Sharks could be there. They've been recorded in Memphis."
It's as if there's been a secret meeting of readers who all decided I wasn't scared enough about jumping into the river so they came up with threats even I didn't know about. Bull sharks in fresh water? Is this really legit? Unfortunately my good friend Wikipedia says that bull sharks aren't limited to salt water and can survive in fresh water. How is this not more widely known? First the pink dolphins can swim in fresh water (which is shocking but fine because they won't kill you) and now deadly sharks can? Worst of all, according to Wikipedia bull sharks have been found all the way in Illinois. Seriously, Illinois. Combining sharks with the fact that the Cumberland River hates me and I'm done for.
From: Matt Wright
"Clay I'm from Nashville. I have been to the riverfront. Are you concerned with the amount of dead bodies that Metro routinely pulls from the river? Also, what are your thoughts about Billy D pulling the "switcharoo"? It seems like the move he pulled is fairly similar to Nick Saban ... however, it has been said that Billy was following his heart where Saban was just stabbing people in the back. Good luck with your flight."
I hadn't been concerned about the dead bodies until you asked. Responding to this question is going to make a lawsuit titled Cumberland River v. Clay Travis a real likelihood in the city of Nashville. Now, in addition to the chemicals, the murky depths, and the bull sharks, I have to be worried about dead people. But, you're right, odds are that there will be a dead body floating beneath us at some point during the jumping. It might be mine if the bull sharks are there.
As for Billy D pulling the switch, the big difference is he didn't actually switch, he stayed. If Saban had gone back to the Dolphins (or to LSU even) no one would have particularly cared. I'm waiting for the truth to come out on Billy D's move, he was worried they didn't stock his particular brand of hair gel west of the Mississippi and with all the flight restrictions these days 3.5 ounces of gel wasn't doing it for a road trip. Just wait, this is going to be the John Edwards $400 haircut for basketball coaches.
From: Jim
"Clay, homie, bro ... I don't mean to be a Monday-morning-quarterback, but you have a fatal design flaw in your Flugtag flying machine. I know you stated quite plainly the credentials of the craft's designer, but you are missing one critical element: wings. You have no wings on your blimp. You have fins in the back, so when you fall straight down 30 feet, you should definitely go nose first. Much like the Detroit Lions hiring Matt Millen, I don't know if you looked closely enough at your designer's resume. He designs cars for Ford, right? Not the flying kind, which would explain the fins in the back of the machine, which would resemble something more like a spoiler than a wing design. I checked the link you included in your June 6th article, and the one fundamental element in the flying machines that I saw there was that they all have something resembling a wing. And with the exception of a Tomahawk missile, your design resembles more of a bomb than a plane. I applaud your efforts to broaden your world and experiences. Even more than that, I wish you all the luck in your Flugtag world record attempt, as I would like to read future ClayNation musings when the Titans' football season begins this fall am assuming you should be healed up enough to write by then. Keep the faith!"
First of all, I appreciate that we're homies and bros. Mad props. Second, my designer works very cheap by virtue of his being my brother-in-law. Otherwise, as I stated in Wednesday's column, my Flugtag device would be a piece of plywood. Or a single broom stick. Also, we acknowledged very early in the design process that we didn't really have any shot of breaking any records. Or flying. Hence the use of Tennessee horsepower (our legs) to propel the device. My father-in-law, the engineer, was really gung-ho about designing something that would fly from Nashville to Chattanooga, but Jim and I were okay with a spectacular failure. So long as we didn't die or get paralyzed. That was before the river hated me. If you stop by our flight hangar from 11-12:30 on Saturday morning as anyone is welcome to do, don't tell Jim about my feud with the river, it's going to make him more nervous.
From: Josh Weier
"Hey Clay, I love your last two articles and if you need a good insurance man in Nashville, I can point you in the direction of one. Good luck."
Several people offered to sell me life insurance. A couple of months ago several people offered to be my real estate agent after I wrote about home-buying. These are great offers but both of these professions are relatively easy to get help for. But how come when I write about making it rain no one writes in offering to strip for me? I'll tell you. It's racism, plan and simple.
From: Bryan
"Clay, Love your column. I am envious of your upcoming participation in the Flugtag. When I heard it was coming to Nashville, I tried to get a group together to participate. Unfortunately, I am the only one in my group of family and friends that is not right in the head. Everyone turned me down. I even had a name for the ship. I was going to call it a Hunka Hunka Burnin' plane. With wings of sideburns. It would have been beautiful. They didn't like it either. Oh well, remember if you are going to fall, do it with style. They say you can't learn anything from cartoons. Silly fools. Good luck in the Cumberland. Be glad it is not the Mississippi. Finally, if you need that fourth. I am only three hours away. 2 1/2 if the lights are with me."
My first thought when my friend Doug got viral meningitis and couldn't jump into the Cumberland? Please let him be OK. He now is. My second: How can I get in touch with Bear Grylls or Martin Strel to be the player to be named later? Both men are my heroes. And ever since I saw Bear tear raw meat off a zebra's dead carcass in Kenya, I've been obsessed with man vs. wild. Unfortunately both men passed. Probably because I was too intimidated to ask them. Such is life. Also, perhaps, because they didn't want to dance with an umbrella in front of tens of thousands of people. One day to go. I believe I can fly.
