Kay's Korner: If this doesn't spike your interest, nothing will

The year was 1990. The location was Southern California. The stars were C. Thomas Howell and Peter Horton. The result? The greatest movie ever made about volleyball.

The fun doesn't stop there. After all, what's so special about being the greatest movie ever made about volleyball? That's like saying The Crying Game is the best movie about IRA soldiers who fall in love with pre-op transvestites. We're not exactly dealing with a deep pool of options here. But Side Out isn't just about volleyball. It's about friendship, corporate America, redemption, Courtney Thorne-Smith in a bonanza of bikinis and, of course, the 1980s.

Peter Horton + C. Thomas Howell = the greatest volleyball movie ever made. (Provided to SportsLine)

But Eric, you say Side Out was released in 1990. That it was my friends. But regarding decades, as far as trends (in that VH1 I Love the '80s sort of way) go, it's actually more precise to measure from the fives instead of the zeros. The 1980s were really 1984-85 to about 1994-95 and we're really only about two years deep into the first decade of the third millennium. All those wacky 1980s things we love so much didn't just stop come Dec. 31, 1989. They carried over, and finally began dissipating around 1996, or about the time Will Smith took over the show.

Back to Side Out. Thanks to my friends at Netflix, I have the pleasure of revisiting this lost classic and examining all the lessons it taught a once wide-eyed, young 9-year-old back when Mossimo was king and Paula Abdul (the musician version) was queen.

Here's the premise. Young Monroe Clark (CTH) comes to Southern California via Milwaukee to work the summer at his Uncle Max's real estate law firm. He ends up lured into the lucrative, high-stakes beach volleyball scene where -- with a little help from a grizzled, downtrodden vet (Horton) -- he will take the circuit by storm. The movie poster doesn't lie: Summer just got a little hotter.

OK, so it's not summer quite yet. But what better way to spike things off than with a little fun in the sun courtesy of Side Out in SPiN's June edition of DVD Re-see.

Pretty in pink

I'm a big believer that you can get a good feel for a movie through the opening credits (think T2: Judgment Day). A director who takes advantage of this time to give a little insight into the story while giving props to those who worked on it usually gets my stamp of approval. Plus, after watching half-a-dozen previews, I'm usually ready to jump right into things.

Director Peter Israelson knows what I'm talking about. All that time he spent working with the megaphone on his only other previous production, Exposé: Video Exposure (no idea what this is) must have taught him some valuable directorial lessons. Such things like large, pink font works well for sports movies and the No. 2 preset on the Korg synthesizer really helps get a film going in the right direction, musically speaking.

Makes sense how he was able to score the director's chair for the music video, Reba: For My Broken Heart after Side Out.

We're off to a good start. I can sense it.

Bernie, you're alive!

Before long Monroe is off to meet his Uncle Max, played by Terry Kiser. If the name sounds familiar, it should. If it doesn't, go read Doyel. Kiser played Bernie in the Weekend at Bernie's franchise, and he had a profound influence on me.

Picking up life lessons from 'Weekend at Bernie's' isn't a good move. (Provided to SportsLine)

The idea that he'd lend himself to play a corpse for about 75 percent of a movie basing all its jokes on the buffoonery and antics of an unanimated soul, well, it's pretty outlandish to think about nowadays. But when you're 8 years old and suspension of disbelief comes as easy as the answers on Teen Jeopardy, well, you sort of start thinking behavior like that -- lugging around a dead guy all vacation -- isn't that odd. So if there's one lesson I'm teaching my kiddies early on it's that playing Monopoly and attempting to water ski with a corpse is unacceptable behavior. No matter if Andrew McCarthy says otherwise.

Back to the movie. Bernie's alive and well and playing Uncle Max, Monroe's wealthy, esquire uncle. He's a quick talker, driven by greed and expects hustle from his nephew. Think I'm kidding? Check out the lashing Monroe gets when he botches one of his first assignments.

"Let me tell you the next thing you knew [sic]," Uncle Max says. "The next thing you knew [sic] you're on a plane back to Milwaukee working at some Jack in the Box trying to make your tuition. You may be able to bulls*** your parents, but I'm running a company here, not summer camp. You hear me?!"

Equation to know No. 1: Gordon Gecko + Bernie Lomax = Uncle Max.

Pete? Pete Horton? Is that you?

So Monroe's spending his summer serving subpoenas and getting in the occasional shirtless, pick-up volleyball game with his buddy Wiley. These events are set to the awkward tune of Paula Abdul's Straight Up.

Sample lyric to know: "Straight up now tell me do you really wan-na love, me, forever, oh, oh, oh"

Equation to know No. 2: Four guys + beach volleyball + Straight up playing = awkward movie experience.

Back to subpoenas. Hollywood once made a movie about this tedious aspect of lawyerism. It's called Serving Sara and it stars Vanessa Kensington Elizabeth Hurley and Matthew Perry. Caught it on an airplane a few years back and it's a bad one. Not bad in that good, Deep Blue Sea sort of way. Just bad. Like Judge Dredd Saves Christmas bad.

Anyway, Monroe's serving people up and you wouldn't believe who one of his unlucky victims is. Why, it's Zack Barnes, played by the legendary Peter Horton.

Barnes is an instructor of some sorts at a posh country club. He's also a former stud volleyball player. Maybe even the best who ever lived. Think of him as the Ron Jeremy of volleyball. Once the best; now just a walking, talking, drinking mess. He's also a very dark character. If they remade Side Out, I'd cast Matthew Fox as Zack Barnes. Tell me I'm off here, I dare you.

Regardless, Barnes gets served by Monroe (only after evasive hilarity!) and ends up entering into an agreement where he'll coach the blossoming team of Monroe-Wiley (our comedic sidekick), and in return Monroe will misplace a certain real estate-related file.

What could ever go wrong?

Did you say volleyball?

We're a third of the way into the movie and Eric: I still don't know what this volleyball game really is. If only somebody would explain it to me.

"Only the serving team can score and you can't hit the ball two times in a row, comprendo?" -- Wiley.

Ah. Thanks Wiley. Two rules. Just like hide and go seek.

Sports movie rule No. 39a: If you're making a movie about a sport only played in, oh, three states, you better explain the rules, even if there are only two of them.

But Eric, knowing the rules isn't enough. I want to know what volleyball culture is really all about.

Rollo Vincent: Volleyball ruffian turned published author. (Provided to SportsLine)

Of course you do, and that's why we've got Wiley here.

"I'm talking about bump, set, spike, chicks, booze ... everything!"

Wow. That really helps, thanks Wiley. But I'm still confused. Maybe I just need to see how people prepare to play volleyball. Maybe I need ... a training montage.

Anatomy of a training montage:

Running on the beach: Check
Doing abdominal workouts: Check
Hands-on instruction: Check
Unexplained group laughter: Check
Outrunning Russians in the snow: Fail
Notable improvement in play: Check
Music courtesy of a Korg synthesizer: Check

I see. I think I know everything there is to know about becoming a volleyball player. Thanks, Side Out!

Does that just about cover it?

Yes, but ... I still don't have a good feel for what an actual volleyball event is like. What sort of buzz surrounds it and whatnot?

What do you want from me, a competition montage?

Well, yes.

Anatomy of a beach volleyball competition montage

Girls in a bikini contest: Check
Dudes who Giambi could rat out: Check
Humungous Miller Lite promotions: Check
A few ice-cold mojitos: Fail
L.A. Gear promotions: Check
Dudes in painters hats: Check
Homage to Karate Kid: Pass

Wow, all that information in just under 10 minutes. Time flies when you're in the midst of back-to-back montages.

And here's some more info for you to chew on. Beach volleyball took off in the 1980s, so much so that it became an Olympic event in the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta. The Association of Volleyball Professionals (AVP) runs domestic tournaments and serves as the sport's governing body. Both men's and women's volleyball circuits are overseen by the AVP. Matches consist of three sets with the first two going until 21 points, the third to 15 and teams must win by two.

Oh yeah, and don't hit the ball two times in a row, comprendo?

Searching for Johnny (Lawrence)

"Manhattan Beach, 4 o'clock? You're on!" -- Rollo Vincent

Every good sports movie needs its foil. Bloodsport has it's Chong Li, Slap Shot has its Ogie Ogilthorpe, Major League II has it's Jack Parkman and the Karate Kid has it's Johnny Lawrence. Side Out has its Rollo Vincent.

Rollo was once Barnes' partner. That was until Barnes bailed on him before the big tournament way-back when because he was being pressured to throw the game because of some outstanding horse racing debts. Having a history always helps spice things up. Having a bad guy named Rollo Vincent is just pure cinematic gold.

But Rollo isn't the only bad guy on screen. Barnes has demons, lots of them. He's a drinker and flaky would be letting him off nicely. He sets up the 4 o'clock date with Rollo's team and fails to show up. That pisses off Monroe so much he hulks out mid-match and knocks Wiley shoulder-first into a pole, breaking his arm.

Down a teammate and peeved at his coach, Monroe's ready to hop on the old Greyhound and head back to Milwaukee. Unless of course, he can reconcile with Barnes and form the baddest beach volleyball duo this country's ever seen and in turn helping Barnes exorcise his destructive habits.

Sons of the beach

After a messy courtroom scene where Monroe unexpectedly defends Barnes, and in turn alienates himself from his Uncle Max, the two are back in each other's good graces. And that can mean only one thing -- our two stars begin their mission to rule the beach volleyball world!

Courtney Thorne-Smith: The perfect mid-'90s package. (Provided to SportsLine)

But before you can rule the world, one needs a final training montage.

Anatomy of a second training montage

Running on the beach: Check
Volleyball practice: Check
Developing a special trick: Check
Getting The Girl: Check

Speaking of The Girl. The Courtney Thorne-Smith era never really took off. This despite her time opposite CTH in Side Out, a meaty role in Summer School and her scantily clad performance in Revenge of the Nerds II. I know this era was Christina Applegate's time in the spotlight, but CTS seems grossly underappreciated by those of us who came to maturation in the early 1990s. Just saying.

Back to the action. With the partners clicking on all cylinders, it's time for the final competition. Plucking plot points straight from Karate Kid, Best of the Best, Over the Top and just about every other end-with-a-big-competition flick, Side Out goes out with a bang.

Will old habits return?

The unranked duo start off against a couple of veteran volleyball players in Team Obradovich-Moot and things get off to a rough start. So choppy in fact, Monroe gets frazzled, eventually telling Barnes that "this guy's psyching me out."

Statement you wish heard more of today: He's psyching me out.

You think Big Papi ever mutters to Manny, "hey, Man, Chien-Ming Wang is really psyching me out." You think Steve Nash ever complains to Mike D'Antoni that Bruce Bowen is "really psyching me out, eh"? Next time you're giving the big PowerPoint presentation and you hit a speedbump, when the boss asks you if you're OK, look over at Fred from marketing and say "Man, Hugo is really psyching me out." See how far that line gets you.

But I can't blame Monroe for getting frazzled. After all, Obradovich, an actual real professional volleyball player, did give us our line of the movie, and it was directed at Monroe.

Line of the movie: "Nice hit, cheesed***"

But with a little help from our final competition montage, Monroe regains his composure and the two spike and volley their way through the competition, setting up a finals match vs. Rollo Vincent and Billy Cross.

Who knew little C. Thomas Howell would grow up to take the beach volleyball circuit by storm. (Provided to SportsLine)

In the moments before the big match Barnes gets asked by his old flame, Kate Jacobs, to take a dive. You see, back when Barnes never showed because of those pesky bookies bugging him, he cost Kate a lot of money. Now Kate wants Barnes to repay her by throwing the match. Will he make good for leaving her high and dry the first time around? Or will he stand by his partner, the man he's now shared three montages with?

Paul Crewe you!

The participants for the final are being announced and Barnes is nowhere to be seen. He couldn't, he wouldn't dare leave Monroe out to dry, would he? A few minutes pass and we see the long, flowing mullet, or as it's regionally called, Calmull, in the horizon -- it's Barnes! But wait, something's wrong. I have the feeling he's been tainted. And after the first half-dozen points, which they lose all of, you get the feeling he's throwing the match.

But Monroe's no fool. He catches on and calls out Barnes.

Dive? Me no take dive, Barnes says.

So with that out of the way the two turn it on, eventually knotting up the score at 13. It's time for the trick they developed in their second training montage. Each time they touch the ball, they call out a number, any number. Why? Well, Barnes says it's to help develop a rhythm, a cadence. I say it's because blurting out Shakespeare lines, as originally scripted, got to be too difficult for C. Thomas Howell.

The plan works. The about-to-win music begins and I can't help but think of The Ultimate Warrior shaking the ropes.

Three minutes later, we have our champions: Team Monroe-Barnes. The PA announcer sums it up best when he says through the loudspeaker, "welcome back Zack, and Monroe, welcome!"

All that's left is the high-five freeze frame into credits and wa-la; we have ourselves the greatest volleyball movie ever made.