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These are the dream NBA Finals -- everyone says so, and everyone is always right -- but they're not the dream Finals for the reason everyone would have you believe.
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| Tim Duncan's fixed look when taking free throws will not be missed by Gregg Doyel in the Finals. (Getty Images) |
These? These are ... here. And that's all they are. They're here. They're here because they have to be, because two teams had to survive the playoffs and reach the final round.
It's kind of like the 2006 World Series between the Tigers and Cardinals. Someone had to get there, but that series and those teams were so forgettable that I have already forgotten who won. And I covered the damned thing in person.
I'll cover these NBA Finals, too. And I'll be thrilled to be there, but not for the reason everyone else seems so giddy. Kobe and the seven dwarfs vs. the Boston chest-pounders -- they got heart, apparently -- doesn't thrill me. It doesn't make me giddy.
But this stuff does.
Best things about the 2008 NBA Finals?
1. No Tim Duncan free throws. I appreciate his greatness, but appreciating him and wanting to experience him are two different things. I appreciate broccoli. Doesn't mean I want to experience it. This isn't about Duncan's old-school game or empty quotes or any of that "boring" nonsense, either. I simply can't stomach watching him shoot another free throw. He dribbles the ball twice, grabs it, holds it, and stares at the rim. And stares. And stares. And stares until I hear an angry voice screaming, Shoot, jerk! And I realize it's my voice. No thank you, Tim.
2. No Detroit PA guy. DEE-troit ... BAS-ket-BALL. Gag me. The guy with the microphone is popular in Detroit, and the Pistons organization seems to love him, which tells me all I need to know about that town and those people. The guy is an idiot. Even in the realm of PA guys whose job is to fire up the crowd, that guy is too much. Too loud, too excited, too corny.
3. No LeBron James gang. And I love me some LeBron James. Couldn't be more impressed with him. But I'm weirded out by the jock-sniffers he employs, specifically the guy who waddles around behind him scaring off the media and acting smug like he's the one putting up 30 points per game.
4. No Ric Flair. For some reason Flair's signature "whoooo!" is the soundtrack for Chris Paul's magic in New Orleans. Fine -- if it was limited to the best of Chris Paul. Nope. That noise is brought out every time Paul makes a field goal, which happened 9.3 times per game in the 2008 playoffs. That's 7.3 more "whoooos" than anyone needs.
5. No Utah jocularity. In Utah there are people -- not all the people, but too many people nonetheless -- who think it's funny to yell racial epithets or wave borderline X-rated signs at visiting players. That stuff is condoned because, well, it's Utah. And they're different in Utah. Great. Be different. Just don't be in these NBA Finals.
6. No Mark Cuban press conferences. When Dallas plays, the biggest media attraction is Cuban. What will he say? Who will he flame? When he says something or flames someone, it's beautiful. But most of the time he's a disappointment -- kind of like Adam Dunn at the plate -- which means we're standing around his exercise bike or StairMaster dodging his sweat. Oh, I didn't mention he conducts interviews during workouts? Right. He does. Shoot me.
7. No Brent Barry 3-pointers. It's a depressing reminder of how important defense really isn't in the NBA to watch Barry get the time and space to unload a set shot from his forehead. If this were college, and your team had a slow, one-dimensional set-shot shooter, my team wouldn't let that guy get a single shot. But this is the NBA, so Barry shoots as often as he wants. Kind of makes me long for a Duke game. Did I just write that?
8. No flamethrowers. In Detroit, New Orleans and Cleveland -- and maybe some other NBA towns I have been lucky enough to avoid -- pregame introductions include gigantic flamethrowers unleashing fire, as if the average NBA fan needs that crap to get into the game. Then again, the average NBA fan apparently needs to hear industrial rock as the home team runs its offensive sets. I'm not saying you as an average NBA fan are stupid. I'm saying the people who run NBA franchises think you are.
9. No Carmelo Anthony. Self-explanatory.
10. No Andrei Kirilenko: He's not just funny-looking. If Funny Looking were a city, Kirilenko would be mayor. He freaks me out, this guy. His face looks like it was carved out of a 17-sided stone. His arms and legs are garden hoses. And he tops it off with Ivan Drago's haircut. He doesn't look like a basketball player. He looks something Tim Burton doodled. And. I. Can't. Stop. Staring.
