Jokes of the Day

Watch and Learn 
 

  A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

Young Couple 
 

  A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

Scooby Doo 
 

  There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New
York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.  But as we know, the great ship did not make it to
New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever
lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was
so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they
still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

(I could swear that I just heard a loud groan...was that you?)

--Cat

Here all along I thought  De Mayo was the name of the Smuggling ship bringing the illegal aliens to America..
That would explain why all the Mexicans looked at me so odd when I kept yelling .. Sinko De Mayo! please Sinko De Mayo!

Tee-shirt humor:

• Honesty is the best policy...but insanity is a better defense.
• Somewhere behind me is the line between "cute" and "obnoxious."
• Eating oat bran at work got me fibered.
• Old musicians never die...they just keep having reunion concerts.
• The meek shall inherit the earth--right after I get through with it.
• My life is a soap opera, all I need is a sponsor.
• I'm not a genius.  I just seem like one compared to you.
• Impotence: nature's way of saying "no hard feelings."

Male Strippers

Last night, a group of Red Hat friends (elderly lady's social club) went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over, she licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest, a third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. She stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to the last lady! Now every-one's attention is focused her, and the guy is egging her on to try to top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her wallet.

What could she do?!

The woman in her took over!

She got out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!

Why should you never play Uno with an illegal Immigrant?

They'll steal all of the Green Cards!!!

BA DA BUM!!!