-Phone conversations last 30 seconds
-You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
-A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
-Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
-You can open all your own jars
-Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
-When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
-You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
-You can go to the bathroom alone
-Your last name stays put
-You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
-You can kill your own food
-The garage is all yours
-You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
-Cleaning the toilet is optional
-You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
-Wedding plans take care of themselves
-If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
-Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
-None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
-You don't have to shave below your neck
-You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
-If you're 34 and single, no one notices
-Chocolate is just another snack
-You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
-You never have to worry about other's feelings
-Three pair of shoes are more than enough
-You can say anything and not worry about what people think
-You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
-Car mechanics tell you the truth
-You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
-You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
-One mood, all the time
-You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
-Gray hair and wrinkles add character
-Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
-You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
-You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
-The remote is yours and yours alone
-You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
-If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
-If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
-If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
-You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
-If you retain water, it is in a canteen
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
-Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
