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Reporters from the Boston Herald have formally retracted their February report about Matt Walsh taping the St. Louis Rams walkthrough in 2001 before their Super Bowl matchup with the New England Patriots. But in a town such as Boston, that alone was not enough. The 3 sports section reporters who collaborated on the story were blind-folded and abducted from their homes in the middle of the night by mindless asshole clone soldiers, also known as Patriots fans. When the blindfolds were removed, they were in the middle of Boston Common on their knees, standing before the entire New England Patriots roster dressed in their full uniforms.
The team parted slowly as the Dark Lord Chancellor Bill Belichick made his way from behind them to stand before the 3 journalists. "You have betrayed the power of the dark side," Belichick told them. "As residents of Boston you must remain ever loyal to the dark powers that rule here. You can not question the Red Sox massive payroll which is only slightly less than that of the Yankees, you must continue to paint them as lovable scrappy underdogs. You can not question my prickishness when I choose to give Tony Dungy a running high five instead of stopping to shake his hand. You can not try to imply that Ray Allen is too shitty to be considered a part of the Celtics Big Three, the Big Two sounds incredibly less cool."
"But Chancellor, we were not questioning the greatness of your team when we did the article, we just wanted to find out the truth about the taping," said the reporter who wrote the piece. Belichick raised his right hand and lightning surged out from it and electrocuted the man. The other reporters turned their heads away as he screamed and fell to the ground in a pile of smoking ash. Tedy Bruschi then released the chain from the neck of rabid placekicker Stephen Gostkowski, who ran and began devouring the remains of the man.
"This is what happens to those who oppose the Patriots, you get eaten by a 190-pound man from Mississippi," continued Belichick. "I hope the rest fo you have learned your lessons and will not oppose the power of the dark side again. If we are united, we will once again rule the NFL universe."
But then from out of nowhere, Tony Dungy and Yoda appeared from behind the crowd of fans and cut the reporters loose with their lightsabers. "Hurry! Get out of here! We'll hold them off!" yelled Dungy to the men, who began scrambling out of the park. A large CGI-rendered battle ensued, and we at TSC would like to tell you what happened, but no one really cared what happened because everyone looked like a cartoon character.
The Sports Comedian
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