The Final Chapter of the Fedor Saga (Well atleast mine anyway!)
Fedor is enraged by Dana White's actions and does what anyman known as the best fighter in the world would do... returns home to Russia! "My contract is void" he tells the Russian Press "I no fight anymore because there is no one worthy of fighting me and my deadly Sambo!" Little does Fedor know that Dana has a nasty trick up his sleeve. After the Presidential election in the U.S. is called a draw between Obama and McCain, the U.S. Supreme court rules that in fact Dana White and Zuffa are actually the rulers of the U.S.A. and any other country, business, organization that has a 3 letter abriviation (GMC, IBM, even the band R.E.M. in which Dana schedules a fight between Michael Stipe and Sean Sherk for the interim belt after BJ Penn test positive for roasted pig!). Dana then states that he has every intention of invading Russia with all the combined might he has acquired if Fedor does not fight under the UFC banner. To prove his point he fires 100 nuclear missles at Fedor's Siberian training center killing all of the baby Fedors while they train Sambo in minus 30 degrees weather (there are only ten that is why he had to only use 100 missles!). Fedor is enraged, but being the greatest fighter and specimen of man he cannot risk further injury to anyone and agrees. But who will he fight? He has killed all of the heavyweight fighters? And after the Kimbo-Fedor debacle, Kimbo Slice ended up taking a fight against Gina Carron (Gary Shaw wanted to promote the first inter gender match in history!). Unfortunately for Kimbo Gina was young and could actually fight and KO'd him when they touched gloves in the first round!
In a world televised news conference Dana White announces that Fedor's opponent will be..... Dana White!?
"Yes" Dana states "I will finally rid the world of Fedor!" I have enlisted Sean Sherk and Phil Baroni as trainers and we are training at the Balco center! I have already sparred Tito and despite the claims did not rape Jenna in a rage.... she wanted me! I have put on forty four pounds of solid muscle, have 1 % body fat and can break twenty five bricks by batting my eyelash! PLus for my fight I have a secret trainer, who will be there at ringside to help me! So tune in on PPV live from the MGM in Vegas to watch me destroy Fedor!"
In a statement Fedor laughs and says "Dana is not Tito's bitch.... he is mine and I must break him!"
Fight night. The world is on edge. If Dana wins Fedor will be shot into the Sun on a giant missle (made by Tapout!). If Fedor wins the world will have only Sambo to watch as a sport, which of course Fedor will remain the champion FOREVER! Fedor enters the cage naked opens his arms and states "This is so my many fans can gaze at my nuts and kiss them on their tv screens!" The lights dim and the theme from TUF blares as Dana runs into the cage accompanied by two figures in Jedi hooded robes. He grabes the mike and slaps Bruce Buffer pointing to Fedor "Listen here you f**king Russian F**k I own every F**king thing and every F**king body! Without me there is no F**king MMA!" He then turns and points to the 2 figures "I F**king told f**king you I had 1 special trainer/corner man. Well you F**king Commie I f**king got two for your f**king ass! Ok boys take off the hoods!" As the two figures take off their hoods and the crowd gasps. A look of shock and disbelief comes over Fedor
"That's right you Commie f**k behold f**king Steven Segal and Jean f**king Claude Van f**king Damme! And for added measure I had the greatest fake Russian fighter train me for boxing Dolph Ludgren aka Ivan f**king Drago! F**k, F**k, f**k you f**k!"
Fedor starts to cry.... he knows that he is finished.... but what can he do? Surely he cannot beat the submission skills of Segal,the strikes of Van Damme, and the boxing of the greatest fake Russian boxer of all times. It appears as though his rain is over when from ring side he here's a voice with a Brazilian accent shout "contract". He turns and sees Royce Gracie holding a thumbs up "contract" he yells again. Fedor reaches up his anus and pulls out his contract and holds it up "my contract has stipulations!" White grabs the contract "I'll show you what I think of that F**king s**t you f**k!" and he eats it! Fedor turns to Royce who shrugs and says "you are screwd!"
Steve Mazzagatti tells the 2 fighters to "get it on" and the greatest match in MMA history is on! It is a see saw battle for 3 rounds Dana firing Van Dam kicks and using Segal throws to launch Fedor across the ring. Fedor fights back with dreaded Sambo toe holds and cuddling. Neither fighter can gain an edge. But in the fourth round Dana breaks out the dreaded Drago slow motion yell and punch which causes Fedor to freeze as he is hit! The collasal impact and shock wave allows Dana to launch a spinning Van Damme split kick accompanied by ugly facial expressions to Fedor's head which send him to the mat. For good measure he grabs Fedor's arm and in true Segal fashion slowly hyper extends the elbow snapping it like a twig or manequin arm. As Steve Mazzagati raises Dana's hand the world looks at the broken and battered remains of Fedor in shock. Dana stands over him "get my Tapout rocket now you f**ks!"
Withing twenty minutes Fedor is strapped to to the missle. All over the world Russian women are crying. The reamining MMA fighters have come to pay respect to the man who took on Dana White, for little or no reason, and form a circle around the missle holding hands and singing Coombaya. All except BJ Penn who thinks this is all BS and goes back yo Hawaii to surf. Dana stands at the missle controls " Any last words you dumb f**king Russian f**k?" Fedor through a swollen eye and lips mumbles "Yes. To all my brother fighters, I tried to stand up to the evil Empire and prove that I and Sambo were the true way, but I have been defested. Now evil will reign and you will all...."
Dana shouts "Shut up you f**k I hate you! Do you want to be a F**king missle? WE;; here's your f**king opportunity!" and he launches the missle, laughing as Fedor fires off towards the sun! As Dana laughs a man in an overcoat comes running out of Xyience control "Don't fire the missle please fot the love of God!" Dana turns "The f**k do you f**king mean don't fire the f**king missle?"
"Sir" the man in the overcoat explains" we ran some tests on the Fedor sperm as ordered. It is the most powerful agent know to the universe. If it hits the sun the entire Solar system will explode!"
"Oh my God!" Says "Destroy the f**king missle!"
"Sir we can't once its launched."
Out of the audience Tito Ortiz jumps up "I told you he would destroy everything kill him!"
But before they can a great fire ball engulfs the entire solar system. All that remains is a tiny island on the planet known as Earth. Surrounded by water this island has waves never seen by mankind before. Sitting on two surf boards are two figures....
"Damn" BJ Penn states "the surfing here is crazy. What say we ride a set, go get some cocnuts and roast pig, and I show you some ground work little waheni?"
"Sure thing" Gina Carron says, "Who knew it would be up to us to restart the human race?"
"I knew it all along" BJ Penn says holding up a burnt piece of paper. "It was a clause in my last contract!"
THE END?
*Hope you enjoyed, not my best segement, I was having writers block. lol
