Jokes of the Day

Need a place to laugh off some stress, or help someone else laugh off some stress.  Well here it is.  Share your jokes people.

I'll start it off.

Hired Help 
 

  A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

Who's the Boss?
 

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

An older couple were relaxing on the front porch of their home, when, out of no where the wife reaches over and smacks the husband, right across the face.  "Why did you do that? " he asks.  She Replied "Forty years of bad sex."  A few minutes later, he returns the favor to her.  "Why did you slap me?" she inquired.  His reply?

"For Knowing The Difference!!!!"

A MAN COMES HOME AND FINDS HIS WIFE, SITTING ON THE COUCH, CRYING.

HE ASKS "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"

 SHE REPLIES, "WHEN WE GOT MARRIED YOU SAID YOU'D DIE FOR ME, BUT YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT YET!"

Sexual Olympics 
 

  A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"

What Do I Look Like? 
 

  A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."  "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

why do they call it mad cow disease?

because pms was already took

A woman hadn't had sex in 6 months and couldn't figure out what was wrong. She goes to see a chinese specialist. While in the room, the doctor says, "Get on hands and knees and craw cross room."

After she does that he says, "Now turn round and craw back to me."

He looks at her and says, "Ah yes, you have Ed Zachary disease. Bad case."

She says, "Ed Zachary disease? What's that?"

The chinese doctor says, "Dat when your face rook Ed Zachary like you ass."

The Proxy Father 
 

  The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they saw a set of tracks.

The first blonde said " those are deer tracks".

The second blonde said " those are bear tracks".

The third blonde said " you're both wrong, they're moose tracks".

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN 
 

  Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN  told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

raiders21, this should cheer you up.

A homosexual (mahu) stops at a western themed bar off a ranch road in a rural area known for cattle.

The bartender  takes one look and says "go on get out of here, we don't want your kind around here."   In response the first time patron spit back "Pppppppppppppplease Mr. Bartender, Just one tiny weeny little itsy bitsy drink, I'll finish it over there in the corner by my lonesome and I won't bother a fly!"

The bartender looks around and realising that they are no other customers says "alright, but you stay over in that corner there and do not say a word to anyone!  I've got my regular customers coming in here in an hour and I want you outta here.  You take your drink, finish it quickly and leave."

"Oh thank you thank you thank you" fired back the mahu, "I'll be your best customer and I will not bother a soul."

The fairy gets his drink and goes straight to the corner has a seat and starts sipping away.  Well four minutes go by and a cowboy wearing riding clothes with boots, spurs and chaps comes in through the double saloon doors.  He looks at the bartender and says, "Chuck, it is so hot out there I could lick the sweat of a bull's balls."

From over in the corner came,  "MOO MOO Buckaroo!"