http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirstTEXT.html
The link above is for the priceless routine by Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?".
Here is a snippet of it with the current Tigers' scenario plugged in...
Abbott: Well, Costello, I'm going to Detroit with you. Jim Leyland, the Tigers' manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names,..like "Miggy" Cabrera...
Costello: And his countryman Guillen.
Abbott: Guillen?...
Costello: Yes, Carlos. And this displaced one...Inge.
Abbott: Inge?
Costello: Brandon 'freaking Inge...
Abbott: Brandon 'freaking Inge huh? Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
It would be a whole lot more fun and it would definitely be funnier though, if the team was not 15-20 when we woke this morning.
State of the Tigers...
- Hitting - Well, it's like our spring weather in the Midwest. Hit or miss. But since Sunday's first inning, all misses. Until last night's 10-9 victory that mercifully ended the latest skid, this time at 5 losses. Cases in point...
Six runs Sunday against Boof Bonser to start the game off. 65 pitches thrown in total. In one inning!
Next eight innings. Zero runs. After tiring Bonser out to near exhaustion in one inning, he gets a second wind, and lasts through six innings total. The Twins come back to win 7-6 for a series sweep.
Monday night against Daisuke Matsuzaka. Eight walks off Matsuzaka. Ten walks total for the game. They push across a measly three runs total and go down 5-3.
Tuesday Tim Wakefield knuckles down on a two hit gem. Put the boys to bed at 7:05 with no milk or cookies...they didn't deserve any!
Finally, Tigers 10, Red Sox 9 last night. Feast or famine.
- Fielding- Nothing is all that notable since the "big switch" of Guillen and Cabrera except that the team continues to have issues with a transplanted from DH left fielder in Gary Sheffield (very brittle and not getting any younger), a catcher in Ivan Rodriguez who is losing his once great reflexes by the day (check his passed balls last year and this year...his throwing arm remains above average), and two players on the infield corners who are strictly neophytes at their new positions.
- Pitching - Well, the bullpen was performing well before getting lt up like pre- Fourth of July Chinese exploding shells in the five game skid. And to think Jason Grilli was off in Colorado rounding into shape for the Rockies while this was all playing out! Francisco Cruceta is finally over his visa problems and is up with the big club. Denny Bautista, who started hot before gradually increasing his average pitch counts per inning almost exponentially , 3 pitches his first outing, 9 the next, 81 the next , 6,436 the next (ahh, you get it). All these pitches with an increase in walks to match. Off to the DL he goes. The starters are averaging one quality start every other week. The only one to show anything at all in his last couple of outings is old Kenny Rogers. Even Armando Gallaraga got lit up last night. Jack Morris believes that Justin Verlander's arm is hurt. Something sure is wrong because the young wunderkind is 1-5 and when he hits the sixth or seventh inning it's like he is slamming into the wall at 200 MPH at Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
Otherwise, everything is wonderful here in Tigertown. The Pistons and Red Wings are pushing deep into the playoffs and the Lions' just drafted a half-dozen new busts. If you don't care for hockey, basketball or football, laugh at Who's on First.
If we are talking baseball around here, it may be all that we have to smile, or laugh about the way this spring has gone as we forge into summer.