In one night the Sonics added Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West, and lost Ray Allen -- a great but aging player coming off a big injury -- and this guy's wondering, "Is that all?" Art Thiel, I've read you for a lot of years, and you're better than that. Shake this one off and come to work tomorrow ready to hit one out of the park. But you whiffed today.

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Cam Cameron still has to prove he can coach in the NFL, but if he doesn't have his players' attention and respect after this move, then his entire team should be waived.

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Mets hothead Paul Lo Duca is being ripped by radio hosts, so here's what he says in return: "Put on a jock strap ... and compete instead of sitting behind a microphone and eating nachos." Hahahaha.

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The Knicks added a knucklehead (Zach Randolph via a trade) and a liar (Wilson Chandler through the draft). How is Chandler a liar? He says he didn't get a draft guarantee from the Knicks, or even work out with them before the draft. Someone from the New York media needs to ask Shareef Abdur-Rahim what he thinks about Chandler's game. Just a shot in the dark, New York media. But ask.

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Despite the overwhelming evidence that this is on the up-and-up, this column ripping Billy Beane has to be a hoax. It simply has to be. Even I'm not this stupid, and as anyone will tell you, I'm plenty dumb.

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Three years after wasting a pick on a high school project named Dorell Wright, the Heat showed they've learned nothing by wasting a pick on a butthead college project named Daequan Cook.

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Why is T.J. Simers the best read in the business? This is why. Every sentence is funnier than the last one, which was awfully funny. (But the guy from Desperate Housewives is going to light him up.)

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Not only is Tank Johnson a complete and total fool, he has lied about his own parents' criminality. That's right. Tank Johnson, in media interviews over the years, has exaggerated his parents' struggles. Read that article. Unbelievable.

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If I were this fan, I'd have spent the last 21 years tracking down Bob Stoops, too.

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Remember me telling you that Kentucky had made the perfect hire in Billy Gillispie? I was right, I was right, I was right.

To get their record-setting slugger into the All-Star Game in the season he's stalking Hank Aaron, and in the season the game will be played in San Francisco, the Giants are asking area fans to rig the All-Star election. If this doesn't make Barry Bonds feel four inches tall, nothing will.

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You took the money, Roger Clemens. Now take the public flogging that comes when you don't earn that money.

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Kevin Durant saved this writer from her bored existence. Can he do the same for Portland or Seattle?

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If recovering concussion-ist Trent Green is trying to convince everyone how tough he is, letting on that his wife is madder at Jason Taylor than he is, well, that's not going to help. Toughen up, buttercup.

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A bunch of Pittsburgh Pirates fans are staging a walkout in protest of the Pirates' annual incompetence, but this is one of those trees falling in that barren forest: If TV doesn't show it or mention it, will it be heard?

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Who knew there was such a thing as a "Chinese Magic Johnson"?

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There's talk at Auburn of naming its new basketball arena after the most meddlesome alum in the country. Why stop with the gym? Call the whole dadgum place Lowder U.

A woman who was trying to win an NFL contest is suing the league. Not because she lost the contest. But because, she claims, she was "groped and fondled" during the whole process. It's never dull around the NFL, is it?

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Baseball marks are meant to be broken, even this obscure, irrelevant one.

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Remember that Miami Dolphins knucklehead who (allegedly) bit a police officer over the weekend? Turns out he's (allegedly) a recidivist knucklehead. Sharpen those knives, Roger Goodell. Here comes another one.

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Here's an entire story on NBA draft prospect Wilson Chandler that doesn't get to the heart of all that "pre-draft chatter": When did Chandler work out for the Knicks, and where did it happen? And why did his agent, Chris Grier Luchey, add "Luchey" to the name "Chris Grier"?

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After being overruled twice by the idiot priest who runs St. Louis University -- who fired Brad Soderberg for Rick Majerus -- the SLU athletics director has smartly left that place.

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Apparently the infield at Wrigley Field is banked at third base like a NASCAR track.

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The Marlins' president once made a habit of heckling sloppy Jerry Krause? I think I like the Marlins' president very much.

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The Bears, after cutting Tank Johnson, are down. Didn't stop Jay Mariotti from piling on.

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You're not going to believe this, but I found a radio station that'll let me run amok on its airwaves from 9 a.m. to noon every stinkin' day. You can listen on-line. Cool, I know.

Yao Ming is getting married, and judging by this picture of his fiancé -- a former Chinese national team basketball player herself -- their kids might be 9 feet tall.

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As if Dice-K wasn't getting paid enough by the Red Sox, he's now hawking music on his own website. The guy has assimilated to the United States nicely, if you ask me.

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The Pirates' Japanese pitcher throws a yucky ball that moves slowly but confounds hitters, and the silly U.S. media is trying to get him to call it "the sushi ball." I like it. (The name of the pitch, not sushi itself. Sushi is gross.)

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Ten Penn State football players got into some trouble off the field, and guess what the school did to those knuckleheads? The school expelled them! (For a few weeks, I mean).

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Looks like Chipper Jones and John Smoltz have made up, but as is so often the case, this story was stolen by the quotable stylings of Jim Leyland.

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The Arizona version of Marcus Williams might have screwed up by entering the NBA draft to indifference, but he played for Lute Olson. So what do you expect? Lute's guys never seem to learn a damn thing.

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Gobbler Guy has some solid insight into the way things work at SportsLine.com.

All that time, this poor woman thought she was dating Pedro Martinez. It's a tragic story and ... oh, what the hell: Hahahahahaha.

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Don't get greedy, Red Sox, or you'll become the Yankees. And outside of New Yorkers, nobody (cool) likes the Yankees.

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Drafting for needs, the Nets apparently need a knucklehead.

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There's some revisionist history here regarding Josh McRoberts, whose draft stock absolutely did fall after two years at Duke, no matter what anyone says.

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Chipper Jones and John Smoltz are fighting via the local newspaper. This isn't two scrubs. This is two Hall of Fame players. Awesome.

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What self-respecting 305-pound NFL football player pukes in a cab and then bites a police officer? This (alleged) knucklehead from the Dolphins (allegedly).

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Here's an incredible story on Duke basketball, with Coach K literally wondering why the media hates Duke. You have to create a log-in account (it's free) to read the story, but I recommend it.

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Jon Kitna thinks the Lions will win more than 10 games this season. I think Jon Kitna has lost his freakin' mind.

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That prosecutor in Los Angeles who has made a habit of going easy on Pete Carroll's USC Trojans? Turns out that prosecutor lied about his own football career. Arnie Becker, meet George O'Leary.

Remember when Curt Schilling came within one out of a no-hitter? The umpire who worked home plate that day got his next assignment behind the plate a few days later -- for Justin Verlander's no-no. OK, that's just weird.

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The Green Bay Packers need a new president, and only five people have applied?!?! Five? Good heavens, 5,000 people would apply for my job if it came open. Then again, my job is more prestigious than president of the Green Bay Packers. So that's a bad analogy.

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Teammates fighting among themselves doesn't just happen in the major leagues. It happened at Detroit's Triple-A team, causing Toledo's closer to get plastic surgery on his face.

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Worst baseball teammate in the world, non-Toledo division? Astros reliever Dan Wheeler. You can choke away a win. You can shove a teammate. But you cannot choke away and win and then shove a teammate.

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Now baseball is threatening steroid suspect Jason Giambi with an embarrassing date with Congress if he doesn't cooperate. Why not be done with it, baseball, and threaten Giambi's kids if he doesn't come clean?

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First Clinton Portis, now Jonathan Vilma makes sympathetic comments about dog-fighting. Both guys played at Miami. Makes you wonder why two guys from the "U" are coming out in defense of dog-fighting, doesn't it? Well, it makes me wonder.

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Check out the second note of this awesome column. O.J.'s lawyer beat up a Partridge Family member. One of the Partridge men, even.

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Here's a first: A baseball guy named Guillen makes a complete ass of himself in Chicago ... and it wasn't Ozzie.

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Another sprinkling of dirt on the mountain of evidence that Nick Saban is a bad guy. Bad as in, "not good."

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Former Kentucky assistant basketball coach Scott Rigot, quite possibly the worst high-major assistant in the history of his sport, is trying to get a Division I head coaching gig. Good luck with that.

The Tigers' radio guys refused to say the words "no-hitter" during Justin Verlander's gem, and sure enough he threw one. See? There's a connection! Good grief baseball people are a kooky bunch.

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A man is paralyzed after an evening with Pacman Jones, but Pacman's lawyer has the nerve to say this case has ruined Pacman's life. Nice perspective. No wonder people hate lawyers. (No offense, Dad.)

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A New York Jet compared dog fighting to horse racing. No wonder people hate the Jets. (Offense intended, Jets.)

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Basketball knucklehead Buzz Peterson has made a career out of sucking the sweat from Michael Jordan's socks. The sucking will continue in Charlotte.

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Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson doesn't understand why one game led to his demotion. Here's why, Jack: It was one really crappy game.

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This story is right: Tim Duncan couldn't hold Shaq's jock. But it's wrong: Duncan, the best power forward in NBA history? Give me George McGinnis any day.

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Tom Coughlin to his under-performing Giants: Talk less, win more.

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Rick Carlisle, who has been fired from half the jobs in the East, could be headed West. I give him 2 1/2 years.

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Why is the average college fan turned off by the NBA? Daequan Cook over Alando Tucker is a pretty good place to start.

While having problems with his wife, Elijah Dukes fathered a baby with his step-grandmother's barely legal foster child

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LeBron Le James LeStinks.

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What is it with athletes and strip clubs? No one in America needs a strip club less than a rich, famous athlete.

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Speaking of idiots, here's the little boy who would be king: (deadly) Denver Nugget J.R. Smith.

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Today could be the first day of the rest of Pacman Jones' life (in jail).

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More than 21,000 season football tickets are set aside for Penn State students -- and they sold out in 59 minutes. And the kids who weren't able to score tickets? They're ticked off.

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You know how the NFL is cracking down on character risks? Green Bay didn't get the memo.

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Read to the next-to-last paragraph to find out how Shady Kelvin Sampson is trying to outflank Ohio State for a basketball recruit.

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More evidence that Lute Olson has lost his mind. Head-bobbin' Olson defends this enormous waste of money by saying that, until now, Arizona had been stiffing its assistant coaches. Well done, Lute. Kindly retire.

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Randy Moss, mailing it in already.

Before nabbing Tony La Russa on charges of driving while intoxicated, the cops in Florida picked on him unmercifully.

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Read this "excuse" from Curtis Granderson and tell me if the first word out of your mouth is this one: "Suuuuuuuure."

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Rich Aurilia had a great idea ... three years ago. Now? With Barry Bonds showing little pop? Bad, bad, bad idea.

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Speaking of Bighead, this guy in Boston wants Major League players to rat out Bonds.

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The NBA Finals have become must not-see TV. This guy has some solutions to the problem.

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A Texas Longhorns safety arrested on charges of trying to steal from a car is transferring to start over. Watch how many schools try to land this winner. It'll make you sick.

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The Boston Celtics like Joakim Noah's big mouth.

Only five wins from 300, Tom Glavine is going to get there. Um ... right?

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Get to know this name. In his second Major League start, Tampa Bay's Andy Sonnanstine struck out seven straight batters. And singled in his first two at-bats. What is this, Little League?

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OK, so maybe LeBron isn't Michael. How do we know? Michael wouldn't have picked up two fouls in the first three minutes of an NBA Finals game. Michael probably wouldn't have fouled twice. And the referees definitely wouldn't have called both of them.

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J.R. Smith crashed into Sinatra! Not that Sinatra. But still, a Sinatra. And someone could die. All in all, not a good day for J.R. Smith.

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And if you didn't read all of that story, keep going. Toward the end, another Nugget -- DerMarr Johnson -- had to be Tasered in a separate incident.

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What is it with professional athletes in Denver, anyway? That's one hell of a bad run they're having.

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First Trent Green was in quarterback purgatory. Now it's Daunte Culpepper's turn.

-- Pacman Jones has been replaced in Tennessee. In a good way, I mean. (Well, not good for Pacman. But the hell with him.)

Pat Riley sticks a knife in Stan Van Gundy's back but removes it in time to get compensation for the Magic, who hired Van Gundy. Pat Riley is a smart businessman but he's sub-human.

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Remember Danny Almonte, the infamous Little League ringer? Two things have changed. First, he's now "Denny" Almonte. Second, he's now a Seattle Mariner.

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Oh, wait. That kid really is "Denny Almonte." No relation. Sucks to be him.

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Can Stanford-Cal still be called The Big Game if it's televised on Versus?

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Spurs hit man Bruce Bowen scored six points in San Antonio's Game 1 victory against Cleveland, and might not score that many again this series, yet still is a front-runner for NBA Finals MVP.

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Daunte Culpepper prefers the written word. He asks the Dolphins to release him via letter, then breaks the news to this paper via email. What if the letter and email weren't from Culpepper? What if it was some guy in his basement, pulling a fast one on everybody? What if I wrote it?

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Obviously if Billy Donovan was going to get a rich extension from Florida despite trying to leave, Urban Meyer was going to get paid, too. Donovan gets more than Meyer, by the way.

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For the record, in his first press conference since returning to Florida, Donovan apologized 23 times in 40 minutes. Impressive, actually.

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The LSU football team must think it's the Bengals. Well, LSU is the Bengal Tigers. Weird.

For being honest about his steroid past, Jason Giambi has been ordered by the commissioner to squeal like a pig and name other cheaters ... or else.

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Bud Selig really is a dumb man, you know that?

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Ozzie Guillen compares steroids to AIDS, but I actually understand what he means, and I'm not offended by his comments. Is something wrong with me?

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Maybe I'm juvenile, but I get a kick out of an umpire named Iassogna ejecting a manager named Francona for arguing a bad call against a player named Pedroia. Whole lot of vowels going on there.

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OK, no maybe about it. I am juvenile.

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The Pirates are thinking of holding part of next year's spring training in China, and if the goal is to kill off any interest in baseball in China, by all means ... send the Pirates.

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A-Rod takes his family out for a day in the city, and he gets mocked. He snapped at the media, too. Good for you A-Rod.

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You're not going to believe this, but I found a radio station that'll let me run amok on its airwaves from 9 a.m. to noon every stinkin' day. You can listen on-line. Cool, I know.

Carlos Zambrano is a hothead and a disappointment, so of course the best thing for him is to play in New York. Who's running the Mets, Steve Phillips?

I've been saying for weeks that LeBron James will go down in history as Michael Jordan's equal. This guy disagrees, but since this guy is only David Aldridge, I'm not worried.

Billy Donovan owes lots of people an apology.

J.D. Drew makes $70 million, gets pinch-hit for, and nobody's surprised. Nobody but Theo Epstein, I mean.

All that fuss over Trent Green, and the Chiefs got just a fifth-round pick for him? If I'm Trent Green, I'm embarrassed.

What are Jerome Mathis' hamstrings made of, Silly Putty?

Jets coach Eric Mangini would love to stick it to the Patriots' Bill Belichick by landing Mr. Hoodie's best cornerback.

Another West Virginia player, following in the fine tradition of Chris Henry and Pacman Jones.

Apparently the Stanley Cup playoffs are going on. I don't care. No link for you.

The Howard Porter murder probe is fascinating in an awful way. He was 6-foot-8, 260 pounds. The woman police questioned was 5-2, 120 pounds.

Every time he opens his mouth, Gary Sheffield loses another Hall of Fame vote. Is that racism, Sheff? No. It's reality, you knucklehead.

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It looks like the Magic are making Billy Donovan dangle uncomfortably for a day or so, and if that's the case, can you blame them?

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Peter Gammons gave the dumbest sound bite ever.

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Not trying to be a jackal here, but at some point you have to wonder: Is cancer-struck Indiana football coach Terry Hoeppner going to die